Fair Fighting improves Women's chances of avoiding a heart attack

Recent research has shown that our bodies are intertwined with all our emotional states. Our hearts, lungs, stomach and all our internal organs respond to the stress level we experience. Our bodies are faster than the mind to recognize emotional threats in a way that we are not so much aware of, and this can have devastating effects in our health.

What happens when you look for peace and love at home, and you find too many squabbles? You are searching for refuge and find instead constant quarreling with your spouse? Wouldn't it be healthier to be able to go home and find smiling faces and loving companionship? This kind of home will give your health a boost, and make your heart sing with joy.

We need to say that couple fights are inevitable given that both parties, male and female need to start a fight sometimes when in need of refreshing the connection and companionship, and to keep the relationship growing. But fighting without skills can do a lot of damage to your health and your relationship. It's the quality of the fighting the factor that matters in preventing unhealthy consequences.

There is the special case of marital conflict when one partner shows a propensity to yell, scream and blame the other person.

And if the partner tries to redress this issue, the response they get is not a good conversation about "what do we need to do now to improve", but more blaming, accusations, bad temper and either sulking or complete withdrawal.

Up until now, we knew that this was the making of a very unhappy relationship, like in this case:

"I find him sometimes lying about the littlest things, blaming everyone but himself for any kind of problems, and picking arguments when unnecessary. I know he loves me and I love him dearly but I need to find a way I can deal with this behavior that is putting such a severe strain on our relationship. What are some ways that I can converse and tackle this behavior in a constructive way rather than accepting either the constant fights and blaming myself for everything or finally silencing myself just to keep the peace?"

If you are like this person, you have two choices: either challenge and protest, and be considered "too aggressive" or shut up. Is this response, the silenced choice that seems to be the easy way out, to stop the aggression and endless recrimination, the one you would use?

When women make the decision to be silent, they are choosing the short way out to protect themselves from a sad situation, and it also signals that they have given up the hope to be treated with respect. Giving up your right to be respected is so stressful that affects women making them more vulnerable to heart attacks.

Now we know more about the price women pay for "keeping the peace by self-silencing": studies led by Dana Crowley Jack [1], a professor of interdisciplinary studies at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Wash., have linked the self-silencing trait to numerous psychological and physical health risks, including depression, eating disorders and heart disease.

The way the couple interacted was as important a heart risk factor as whether they smoked or had high cholesterol. And the main factor observed in the interactions was the degree in which the wife would silence herself to keep the peace. How often couples fight or what they fight about usually doesn't matter!

Instead, it's the quality of the interactions between male and female, and how they react to and resolve conflict that appear to make a meaningful difference in the health of the marriage and the health of the couple. The main difference in the quality of a marital fight is if it is done with respect for the other's opinions or not. The quality of the interaction hinges on the mutual respect they can show for each other, even in the heat of an argument.

Knowing this fact, is easy to realize that the silenced party is missing a strong sense of self. By choosing to be silent, they are repressing their legitimate needs to a point where in the end, they will be so repressed as to be forgotten.

Arguing is, of course, an inevitable part of married life. Both sides need to express what their expectations are, and what makes them happy…..if one side chooses silence, it becomes a losing game, because there is no way this person will get any satisfaction. Their partners are forced to be mind readers, and whatever they could offer, it will be seen in a dubious way.

But behaviors that control, diminish and humiliate one's partner take a heavy toll on health. Women who didn't speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt, according to the July report in Psychosomatic Medicine. SO, you need to seriously consider learning self-assertion and fair fighting skills!

There is an e-book providing a whole set of self-defensive strategies for managing an abusive situation, and also teaching couples how to do fair fighting at www.passiveaggresive.com. Nora Femenia, Ph.D. is the author, offering a free initial coaching session at www.norafemenia.com

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[1] Dana Crowley Jack Silencing the self: Women and depression . Cambridge, Ma: Harvard University Press, 1991.