Discover Why 99% of Disputes in a Relationship are not what you think they are

We all understand how challenging arguments or even simple differences of opinion can be in relationships. People get very afraid of confrontation, and use any pretext to hide from the actual heart of the dispute. Many will quickly resort to asking for a lawyer’s help, hoping the professional will spare them the nasty interaction they are trying to avoid.

Every relationship will have its share of conflicts, disagreements and arguments – and that’s normal! What is missing is our personal attitude towards managing the confrontations… we are either scared into answering with a strong attack as defense, or frozen in fear.

For some people, disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the relationship is flawed, or that we are more flawed than we thought before!

And then, we are left with the weak hope that “this time, because we are in love, everything will be all right.” This is waiting on magic, or on divine intervention… without learning some good conflict resolution skills to deal with disagreements with a loved one, you are in risk of a sad disappointment!

It doesn’t have to be so! Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to open up and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this hidden need for confrontation.

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is it so essential to our self-esteem?
Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other. That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave!

Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one…..Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.

Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about….

How does it compare? No way!

Our hidden needs are pushing our daily actions, everywhere….if you get to understand this simple fact, then a whole perspective opens up….If you see someone embroiled in a big, fiery dispute, you can think: what is this person lacking just now? And how can you provide exactly that?

One big advantage in the provision of symbolic goods, like affection, is that you move away from money or expensive things, and have at hand a whole set of new “carrots” to reward people! And people around us are craving those symbolic rewards: appreciation, recognition, support…. Why is this so difficult to remember each and every day, while dealing with others?

Now, you know….
Apply this techniques and it will be easy for you to deal with confrontations.
Give appreciation, be nice from the start, and listen.

And, if you want to know how to get recognition from others, check the Fair Fighting techniques chapter of the Positive Conflicts eBook at http://www.positiveconflicts.com/

6 Keys to Understand Relationships & Fighting

Probably the vast majority of what you have learned until today about resolving conflicts wasn't very successful. Conflicts are often handled in two main ways: either to avoid or to confront and both were yielding very poor results. We need to learn other ways to manage conflict in such a way that we can come out of it enriched, with a sense of growing ability, and experiencing a stronger bond with the other person, born out of reciprocal satisfaction of both our needs.

In short, there are several concepts that I want you to consider.

Let’s go though them one by one, and watch your reactions to each:

1.- Conflict, as part of any relationship, is inevitable. All relationships have to include some understandings on how to process confrontations. If you two are not fighting, then one of you is repressing his or her needs and it blow up sooner or later.

2.- If we care about something, it will appear as part of a discussion, because it is an important part of who we are….our dreams, our values. It shows that you are alive, and that you care.

3.- It’s a call for attention to discover where our relationship hurts. If you decide to give the disputed thing away, (to be left alone) you are not looking carefully at the relationship behind the dispute! Or you did ignore the early signs, because you feel that you don’t have any skills.

4.- Each discussion helps you see better what you want…So, if you are confused about some issue, go and have a fight about it with your spouse, and it will become clear! If you have an agreement before it happens (“Honey, every now and then, when I’m itching for a fight, please, could you go along? You don’t need to defend yourself, or be offended by what I say, only listen and let me vent…it will be OK very soon, but I need this!”)

5.- When you recover your senses, she will have a lot of very funny stories to share with you, so you can learn how others see you! Isn’t it fun?

6.- There are strategies for resolution that are available and DO work. Even when forced to fight, you can always fight fair, and send a powerful message.

So, now, it’s time for you to be grateful because you have your share of conflicts in your love relationship, through which you can learn about yourself and grow, right?

We will never know what we can do without challenge and opposition. We will never develop new skills if sheer necessity does not force us to do so. In short, without necessary conflict, we will never grow up.

When you engage others in positive conflict, you are telling them that he/she is important enough for you to invest some energy in improving the relationship, by challenging the sore points in it. You are giving others a big compliment by having a positive conflict with them!

Doing positive conflict is having the courage to confront others in order to change a hurting situation and find a better, more inclusive agreement, which will benefit both of you. This is the key here: the search for a mutually acceptable solution, doing a respectful process that answers both sides’ needs.

This is just the beginning. Once you see that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing, you can start exploring the techniques that will allow you to use conflict as a way to strengthen relationships.

To your healthy relationships!