Focusing the mind on the positive

We all go through some tough times in life, that’s just life; it can’t always be a bed of roses, if we are going to learn and grow up.

However life is the total sum of your experiences, its meaning being what you make of it. The frame you use to understand your own experiences is the most important aspect of them. If you call them “learning experiences” the results will be different than if you call them “repetitive failures…”

It even gets worst when you go ahead and judge yourself in the most negative way possible, because then you are behaving like your worst enemy!

If you have this negative habit of framing your own actions in a very critical way, what happens when you go through some bad times? You tend to blame yourself, of course! It doesn’t help you find the best solution, which is what you should be doing….but keeps you repeating whatever your family did to you in the past! Yes, it’s a terrible deal, but at least we are in familiar territory, right?

Staying positive means that you see whatever happens with a frame that is compassionate to yourself. You know that you are learning, so every experience has a lesson for you, and you are here to take it!

If this more positive frame works for the good times, through the bad times it can make all the difference and can get you through the tough times with a smile.

Let’s go over on the basics of having a positive frame to make sense of your own actions. The first step is to have an honest look at the phrases you hear in your head all the time, identify them and ask yourself: whose voice is it? Many times you will recognize the voice of someone important in your childhood, mainly your parents. Then, now is the time to say: “Thanks mom for your opinion, but I prefer to see this situation as something better.”
Then, you begin peeling away at the negative propositions that your head offers you. The purpose is to transform an automatic process into a conscious one. It takes more or less one month of constant awareness to be able to replace old inherited negative frames with more functional ones….so begin working now.

But the big question is “how do you stay positive when things get tough?” Staying upbeat at times of trial is the last thing on your mind, but it should be the first, because you need to think positively now more than ever.

The key to staying positive is to detach your mind off your problems and worries, take a step aside asking yourself: “in what other perspective can I perceive this situation”? Or “what can be learned from this”?

Re-energizing your mind is especially appropriate when you are having a bad day and you would tend to feel sorry for yourself and want to sit down and cry. Well, you need to remember that it’s your choice! Frame the painful situation as your present learning opportunity, identify what you need to learn from it and move on!


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The Importance of Recognition

This skill focuses on the ability to appreciate the positive aspects of everything around you: and if you are in a relationship, all that concerns your partner. Instead of having a perception of a glass half empty, you should instead focus on the "glass half full."

It takes sustained practice, because all of us have been educated with a critical view. If you are an engineer doing a project, this is a very critical skill, because keeps you apprised of what can go wrong and derail the project.

So, you are as good as you can be very critical, focusing on what needs improvement.

But with people in relationships, it is the other way around: as much as you focus on the negative aspects of your partner and try to begin the project of "improving him or her" the more the other person feels not accepted and evaluated in a negative manner.

You are in a relationship to support and enhance the positive aspects of your partner. In a sense, you have chosen each other because we all want and need someone else who can be for us "warts and all;" who can accept and appreciate all of our aspects. This kind of attitude is generally called love.

Remember that whatever you focus on, tends to take center stage: if you focus on a negative trait of your partner, like her tendency to be late for appointments and dates, then this trait will become prevalent and it will negate the perception of other positive traits that attracted you to her before. So, let's begin:

1. Every time you need to talk about some changes needed, begin recollecting the good things done;
2. Try to find a positive thing to comment on daily;
3. Don't you dare to mention negative aspects without talking about how good the positive ones are, first.
4. If the results are awful, praise the good intention;
5. Be very creative and find unexpected aspects to praise: a busy person that accomplishes everything could be praised for her constant smile, or his good disposition even along the busiest day;
6. Don't be mean, don't link praise with immediate critique: "you did well, but forgot this part." In this case, the "but" will cancel the praise. The two propositions don't need to be linked.

Apply this techniques for a while and you will see a change in the quality of your relationship, having more trust, and pleasure in the mutual company.

If you care to improve the way you feel in company, and wish to make
other people feel happy with you, this small effort in applying positive conflicts skills will be very productive.

Eager to learn more? Do you need encouragement, practical ideas, even coaching to apply those suggestions in your own life?
www.positiveconflicts.com