Have you ever found yourself thinking something like this string of thoughts?:
“This person is yelling at me, like she is attacking me, so she must be against me, so she is my enemy. If this person is my enemy, then, by definition, she is incapable of change and improvement, and is undeserving of trust and respect, now and forever. I have to defend myself against this person, who will always be violent and aggressive towards me. And if she does this to me, she will do it to others. Let’s rally Others against her!”
Well, this is the basic Conflict Frame, where we destroy others in self-defense and end up lonely and feared. When relationships are challenging, and you feel alone battling against others, focus on regaining some control over emotional chaos. You have the power of reframing the way you position yourself in interpersonal disputes, so not to give in to this destructive Conflict frame, or “me against the world” attitude.
The first step that your Conflict Coach would invite you to do is to take a deep breath and suspend the usual thoughts about being “a victim attacked by others” (spouse, boss, world, etc). This is the usual story that we tell ourselves: how we are in the right and the others are unjust, aggressive, etc toward us. Try to position yourself in an intermediary position, and look at you, your behavior and attitudes in a neutral way, while reflecting on the other side from the same neutral view.
The steps taking charge of the situation are:
1. Avoid defining yourself as the only victim:
Both sides have a valid story to tell; all depends where from you see the picture. Both are victims and aggressors, in different ways.
Ask the basic question:
Why this conflict appears now in my life?
You will regain ownership of your side of the conflict, and understand why you are inside it. Is it because it helps to hide other problems you don’t want to see?
No fight is Armageddon, yet, so don’t give your personal squabble more importance than it has. It’s only a dispute, so lower its importance and don’t let it take over the rest of your life. With perspective, you can even laugh at watching yourself in this movie, doing the same things as in all other personal movies….. Has this kind of dispute happened before? Do you find yourself always dealing with people with the same characteristics? Why do you need to have it played all over again?
Best wishes,
Nora Femenia, Ph.D.
Conflict Coaching
http://www.norafemenia.com
Call (954) 568-3620 now to schedule your FREE 15-minute interview.
I look forward to hearing from you and finding out how Conflict Coaching can empower your life!
