Relationships & Disputes: It’s your attitude that counts!

Every relationship will have its share of conflicts, disagreements and arguments – and that’s normal! What is essential is the right personal attitude towards managing the confrontations… we are either scared into answering with a strong attack as defense, or frozen in fear.

For some people, disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the elationship is flawed, or that we are more flawed than we thought before!

They are afraid of the noise, the raw feelings, the way it can end….nobody has shown us how to have a difficult conversation with someone offended or angry with us, in a caring and productive way! So, as we keep imagining happy endings by magic, we are left with the weak hope that “this time, because we are in love, everything will be all right.” This is waiting on magic, or on divine intervention… without learning some good conflict resolution skills to deal with disagreements with the person you need the most, you are in risk of a sad disappointment!

Overall, the biggest roadblock is not differences of opinion, but attitudes. Look at this big contrast:

PERSON A: sniffing some upset on the loved one, and not willing to receive complaints or critiques, hurries to be very busy, leaving in a cloud of dust. All requests about: “do you have a little time to talk” are answered in the way out with “sorry, hon, perhaps this week end, I gotta go now.”

PERSON B: equally realizing that there is storm in the air, because of door slamming and long, sudden silences, decides to confront, and asks: “I see that something is bothering you….when do you feel like talking, let me know. It can be just now or any time you prefer.”

Person B is showing that she or he is not blind, that the “we are disconnected” message is received and someone is taking charge of building bridges. This is the attitude that you need to navigate the differences in a relationship: “I promise that, even when I don’t always understand, I will be there to listen and try to make sense of what happens with my best effort. In this way, I show that I care about us, and our relationship.”

The secret here is to acknowledge that your attitude is a reflection of the worth you place on yourself and your partner. If you have been educated to dismiss your deeper needs, then you will deny the satisfaction of those needs in your partner. If you value the feeling of being understood and appreciated by your loved one, then this is the attitude you want to have…At the least, there is something you can do to prevent miscommunication and anger build up and destroy your connection!

Negative attitudes towards relationship problems are shaped by unresolved anger and resentment from the past.

When a caring attitude is combined with effective communication, the road to healthy conflict management is all downhill... facing conflict even becomes something to laugh about: “How are we going to manage the new fight?”

“What complaints can we come up with, each more sophisticated than the last, to conceal my daily need: I need you to appreciate me every day?”

Is this the way you want to go?

If you would you like to learn more about the positive conflicting attitude that can save your relationship and your sanity, visit http://www.positiveconflicts.com/ now. And learn more about strategies to heal your relationship from conflict!

6 Keys to Understand Relationships & Fighting

Probably the vast majority of what you have learned until today about resolving conflicts wasn't very successful. Conflicts are often handled in two main ways: either to avoid or to confront and both were yielding very poor results. We need to learn other ways to manage conflict in such a way that we can come out of it enriched, with a sense of growing ability, and experiencing a stronger bond with the other person, born out of reciprocal satisfaction of both our needs.

In short, there are several concepts that I want you to consider.

Let’s go though them one by one, and watch your reactions to each:

1.- Conflict, as part of any relationship, is inevitable. All relationships have to include some understandings on how to process confrontations. If you two are not fighting, then one of you is repressing his or her needs and it blow up sooner or later.

2.- If we care about something, it will appear as part of a discussion, because it is an important part of who we are….our dreams, our values. It shows that you are alive, and that you care.

3.- It’s a call for attention to discover where our relationship hurts. If you decide to give the disputed thing away, (to be left alone) you are not looking carefully at the relationship behind the dispute! Or you did ignore the early signs, because you feel that you don’t have any skills.

4.- Each discussion helps you see better what you want…So, if you are confused about some issue, go and have a fight about it with your spouse, and it will become clear! If you have an agreement before it happens (“Honey, every now and then, when I’m itching for a fight, please, could you go along? You don’t need to defend yourself, or be offended by what I say, only listen and let me vent…it will be OK very soon, but I need this!”)

5.- When you recover your senses, she will have a lot of very funny stories to share with you, so you can learn how others see you! Isn’t it fun?

6.- There are strategies for resolution that are available and DO work. Even when forced to fight, you can always fight fair, and send a powerful message.

So, now, it’s time for you to be grateful because you have your share of conflicts in your love relationship, through which you can learn about yourself and grow, right?

We will never know what we can do without challenge and opposition. We will never develop new skills if sheer necessity does not force us to do so. In short, without necessary conflict, we will never grow up.

When you engage others in positive conflict, you are telling them that he/she is important enough for you to invest some energy in improving the relationship, by challenging the sore points in it. You are giving others a big compliment by having a positive conflict with them!

Doing positive conflict is having the courage to confront others in order to change a hurting situation and find a better, more inclusive agreement, which will benefit both of you. This is the key here: the search for a mutually acceptable solution, doing a respectful process that answers both sides’ needs.

This is just the beginning. Once you see that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing, you can start exploring the techniques that will allow you to use conflict as a way to strengthen relationships.

To your healthy relationships!