You Need To Turn the Heat on when…

Life confronts you with situations like this: Your birthday is approaching and occasional, not so subtle hints to your fiancée about having your birthday dinner and party at the new French Restaurant in your town was all you thought it would take for him to “get it”! But, as the big day arrived you discover that he arranged for your birthday celebration to be with his friends at his favorite local sports bar, at a time in the evening which just happens to coincide with Monday night football. Now he thinks he has it all. He has his girlfriend, his friends, and football covered. What kind of feelings are you having looking at this picture? If his response is so far from the dinner party you were dreaming of, are you having a big shock? Are you now thinking if you really are the special person for him that you thought you were? When people feel upset, dissatisfied, ignored or simply sad, what we need to do is focus on: What happened that moved you so? Where is such behavior coming from? Do you shut up or do you try to change this situation? You can decide that you would like to confront, of course! But confronting has to be done in the proper way; otherwise you run the risk of escalating a difference. Plan ahead: to be able to confront effectively, you need to pinpoint precisely what is upsetting you; how such behavior is affecting you, and the negative consequences of such behavior on your plans, time, money, and energy, whatever. To confront effectively, use assertive tactics after planning what EXACTLY you are you going to say and do. It is better not to improvise in the heat of the argument! This tactic really works, to call the attention of your partner and make this person be attentive and respectful of your needs…..you need to try it now. It takes a little practice to be able to describe what happened in neutral terms, though, because it means controlling your negative feelings. Ready? Here you have a three-step process: Describe what the other person is doing, without blaming or reproaching: "When you did plan my birthday celebration in a sports bar with your friends, at the same time the game was on…" Explain the impact on you, how were you affected? "I felt sad, disappointed and let down in my wishes" Explain the impact of that event on the relationship: "Because it meant for me that we don’t know enough about each other’s expectations." Following this three-step method, you will be able to confront in a peaceful way, without having to deny yourself or your perceptions….Know how to escalate safely, and refuse to allow misunderstandings that are hurting you both. Clean your relationship from dark areas that are not only frustrating but also not conducive to good, positive interactions. And focus on creating a positive environment again: "How can we do things in a different way next time?" To find more, easy steps to improve your relationship Go to: http://www.positiveconflicts.com You can be reading a complete set of tips like this one, in just a few minutes. Have a great new life, with new conflict skills!

How a Technique From a Dolphin Trainer can Help Your Marriage?

Be warned this article is written from a female perspective, but the techniques are gender neutral. What is clever is those behaviours that we re-discover in animals are 100% human too. And with some common sense they could be applied to our daily life.

What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage - New York Times: "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage
By AMY SUTHERLAND

AS I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. 'Have you seen my keys?' he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset.

In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, 'Don't worry, they'll turn up.' But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog.

Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer."

About Responsability

Many times we hide behind excuses, and we try to avoid our responsibility for where we are in this life.
If you think that you are a victim of your past, just remember that no matter how bad that was, you are the only master of your future. Stack the cards in your favor and start acting towards your goals.

Learn the skills that you need to succeed at work at
FRACAT - Free Resume and Career Toolbox :
"NEWSFLASH: Nobody cares why your skills are out of date. It's up to you (and only you) to make sure that you've got the skills to compete in a modern labor market."

What kind of future is possible for this relationship?

I know you are frustrated by the amount of work needed by recognizing and managing the PA person’s passivity and hidden anger. If all this is not enough work, now you need to be aware of your second task, as important as the first and it is to take care of yourself.

Women need to confront a romantic assumption that is so common: we believe in solidarity, and in taking care of each other. If you try to be non judgmental with him, accepting him for who he is, angry or not, then it should be obvious that you can and should expect reciprocity from your partner. It is difficult to say if, and when you will receive his acceptance and recognition. Whatever is the reason for his anger, and whatever is your generous attitude without limits, nobody knows how long will take for him to be able to see you as a person with genuine needs.

As he continues acting out on his needs, his rage can appear directed towards you, even when it has no reason to be so. We are dealing with feelings rooted in his childhood, not in actual situations which could be better managed with respect and restraint.

A good lesson for him is to identify who is he angry with (his mother, his boss, etc) and do something to solve the anger-provoking situation, instead of taking it out on you.

Your solution is to find a compromise between setting limits to his anger to protect yourself without censoring the anger. Setting limits to his hostile behavior will protect you and the relationship.

How do you do it? With a “feelings report:”

“When you do… (mention here the behavior) I feel ……(offended, hurt, humiliated, etc), because……(mention the effect on you).

“When you decide to be angry with me in the party we went together, and stop talking to me the entire night, I feel very sad and lonely because it was like, being invisible.”

If done with the right attitude, emotionally secure, not upset, but calmly, it will serve to bridge the distance between the PA person and you.

First: it serves you, because by describing his behavior you are more able to understand what is happening, beyond your own confused emotions. You can stop feeling induced guilt and see exactly what is going on, so letting him know of this impact, thus he can react towards the real consequences of his actions on you.

Keep your right to confront him, because this is a necessary part of being in a relationship with him. Remember, this is a person who uses snide reflections, blaming, and withdrawn attitudes as normal communication tools.

If you allow his treatment to continue and do not confront him about it, you can end up being blamed for everything, even about things that his mother did to him thirty five years ago! Remember that part of his attempted deal is to make you end up described as the “bad person” and him representing himself as someone’s victim, in this case yours.

How do you protect yourself from a person who always describes himself as victimized by others (including you)? Let’s not talk here about your emotional pain at watching your loving attitudes thwarted by this “misery interpretation,” which attributes always nasty reasons to whatever you do to him. Keep focusing instead on the fact that you are not his mother, or any other person, but his partner, and both are in a mutual, reciprocal relationship.

You need to manage your anger, or guilt or whatever he prompts you to feel. If you were not a violent person before knowing him but now find yourself frequently exasperated, this is a warning signal that he is getting you off center. Do whatever is necessary (meditation, support groups, having a counselor or a coach, talk to friends) to get back to your emotional balance before him.

It takes a lot of effort being clear about your emotions, understanding the impact of his PA behavior on you, all the while bringing him back to the subject that concerns you in a way slightly casual or relaxed, so he can hear you.

Remember all the time: you are dealing with three jobs here:

a) balancing his personal, individual emotional demands
b) preserving the relationship by talking and discussing issues that need clarification and improvement
c) taking care of and nurturing yourself.

Do you want to regain the power to be happy in a good relationship?
How could you get more support?
There is a wealth of ideas, comments and support in
www.passiveaggresive.com

Claim your FREE COACHING SESSION from Coach Nora , www.norafemenia.com

Four Ways of Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior while keeping your sanity!

Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior while keeping your sanity!

How can you pursue this relationship without being hurt?
Here is a short list of indicators to keep you aware of what is going on:

1.- The hidden anger aspect:

Passive Aggressive people carry a lot of repressed anger from their childhood, now projected on the people around them. It appears as sarcastic comments, derisive opinions and blaming other people.

Llook at the annoying behavior as 'behavior done with an impact on me'.
Recognize your emotions: is it anger? or disappointment? and remain calm and poised. Control your own breathing. Don't let him get the best of you. PA people begin to win when the shouting starts and you become defensive and angry at their inconsiderate behavior.
Instead, describe his behavior, and then talk about how it creates a problem. For instance, you might say, 'When we are discussing something and you make a sarcastic remark, it blocks the conversation and then I'm not able to tell you what you're really asking. It would be helpful to me if you would tell me directly what you're thinking and feeling. That way, I can respond and perhaps we can even make things better.'

Read the Full article at:Four Ways of Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior while keeping your sanity!

Individual Responsibility

I found this site very challenging as it goes against my current (should I say past) point of view. What it strike me, is the clear message of 'Take Responsibility' that it delivers.

Individual Responsibility: "I am thirty-five years old, but have only recently learned the lessons of Individual Responsibility. For most of my life, I've blamed others (family, employers, politicians) for my problems, and I've been very unhappy most of the time. But have finally come to accept that I am responsible for my life and my happiness, and that has resulted in a dramatic improvement in my self-confidence and sense of well-being.

Here is a summary of what I've accepted:

* I am responsible for my own emotions. Others may do bad things to me, and may even hurt me, but if I let it eat me up inside, the blame rests with me.
* I am responsible for my own economic security. TheyCanFireMe, but if I am not prepared for that, it is my fault for not planning ahead.
* I am responsible for my own career. If an employer is not providing me with the opportunities I want, or is mistreating me in some way, I can JustLeave. If nobody wants to hire me, it is up to me to make myself more hire-able, or to create a job for myself.
* If I don't like the way things are, it is my responsibility to seek out or accept leadership roles so that I can change things. I don't expect anyone else to accept my suggestions and implement them.

from The Self Improvement Pattern Wiki

The power and strength to transform your life are inside you, waiting for your command.

Preventing Negative Emotions from Blowing Up Your Relationships

Negative emotions should be left out as much as possible from your interactions, by denying or repressing them. (This is a short term strategy, but in the long term is preferable to manage those emotions in a different way).

Now, you can let them dissipate without hurt, by following the following Steps:
a) Stop escalation, and ask for time off, if you can’t control your rage.
See if you can identify not the anger, (you know already that you are furious) but the hurt feelings underneath…. Pain is the other side of the coin of anger. Say: 'I’m sorry, this issue affects me and I need time to cool off…'

b) Express how it hurts, with the emphasis on you.
I statements begin as: 'When you do this to me, I feel hurt because…'
Avoid blaming, and keep talking about the effects of that behavior on you….
Be concise: it hurts me because I lose sleep, or security or money if you do this behavior.

c) If the conversation escalates into angry words, you can de-escalate by talking about how much the relationship, your mutual project or whatever you have in common is suffering.

Why is it necessary to process emotions?
It is better than repressing, and allows them to dissipate, after fulfilling the purpose of alerting us about something to be changed. Acknowledging that an issue is irritant, toxic or abrasive in a matter of fact way, without blaming anybody, is the best ways of processing those emotions without letting them block our daily life.

NORA FEMENIA

This suggestions and techniques included in the path designed by the Relational Conflict Mastery Program offered by www.positiveconflicts.com

Ask for your FREE coaching session at www.norafemenia.com, It is specialy designed for for individuals experiencing high levels of inter-personal conflict, or also for individuals fearing incoming rounds of negotiations and deal making with angry opponents (from ex-spouses to other enemies.)