Relationships & Disputes: It’s your attitude that counts!

Every relationship will have its share of conflicts, disagreements and arguments – and that’s normal! What is essential is the right personal attitude towards managing the confrontations… we are either scared into answering with a strong attack as defense, or frozen in fear.

For some people, disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the elationship is flawed, or that we are more flawed than we thought before!

They are afraid of the noise, the raw feelings, the way it can end….nobody has shown us how to have a difficult conversation with someone offended or angry with us, in a caring and productive way! So, as we keep imagining happy endings by magic, we are left with the weak hope that “this time, because we are in love, everything will be all right.” This is waiting on magic, or on divine intervention… without learning some good conflict resolution skills to deal with disagreements with the person you need the most, you are in risk of a sad disappointment!

Overall, the biggest roadblock is not differences of opinion, but attitudes. Look at this big contrast:

PERSON A: sniffing some upset on the loved one, and not willing to receive complaints or critiques, hurries to be very busy, leaving in a cloud of dust. All requests about: “do you have a little time to talk” are answered in the way out with “sorry, hon, perhaps this week end, I gotta go now.”

PERSON B: equally realizing that there is storm in the air, because of door slamming and long, sudden silences, decides to confront, and asks: “I see that something is bothering you….when do you feel like talking, let me know. It can be just now or any time you prefer.”

Person B is showing that she or he is not blind, that the “we are disconnected” message is received and someone is taking charge of building bridges. This is the attitude that you need to navigate the differences in a relationship: “I promise that, even when I don’t always understand, I will be there to listen and try to make sense of what happens with my best effort. In this way, I show that I care about us, and our relationship.”

The secret here is to acknowledge that your attitude is a reflection of the worth you place on yourself and your partner. If you have been educated to dismiss your deeper needs, then you will deny the satisfaction of those needs in your partner. If you value the feeling of being understood and appreciated by your loved one, then this is the attitude you want to have…At the least, there is something you can do to prevent miscommunication and anger build up and destroy your connection!

Negative attitudes towards relationship problems are shaped by unresolved anger and resentment from the past.

When a caring attitude is combined with effective communication, the road to healthy conflict management is all downhill... facing conflict even becomes something to laugh about: “How are we going to manage the new fight?”

“What complaints can we come up with, each more sophisticated than the last, to conceal my daily need: I need you to appreciate me every day?”

Is this the way you want to go?

If you would you like to learn more about the positive conflicting attitude that can save your relationship and your sanity, visit http://www.positiveconflicts.com/ now. And learn more about strategies to heal your relationship from conflict!

6 Keys to Understand Relationships & Fighting

Probably the vast majority of what you have learned until today about resolving conflicts wasn't very successful. Conflicts are often handled in two main ways: either to avoid or to confront and both were yielding very poor results. We need to learn other ways to manage conflict in such a way that we can come out of it enriched, with a sense of growing ability, and experiencing a stronger bond with the other person, born out of reciprocal satisfaction of both our needs.

In short, there are several concepts that I want you to consider.

Let’s go though them one by one, and watch your reactions to each:

1.- Conflict, as part of any relationship, is inevitable. All relationships have to include some understandings on how to process confrontations. If you two are not fighting, then one of you is repressing his or her needs and it blow up sooner or later.

2.- If we care about something, it will appear as part of a discussion, because it is an important part of who we are….our dreams, our values. It shows that you are alive, and that you care.

3.- It’s a call for attention to discover where our relationship hurts. If you decide to give the disputed thing away, (to be left alone) you are not looking carefully at the relationship behind the dispute! Or you did ignore the early signs, because you feel that you don’t have any skills.

4.- Each discussion helps you see better what you want…So, if you are confused about some issue, go and have a fight about it with your spouse, and it will become clear! If you have an agreement before it happens (“Honey, every now and then, when I’m itching for a fight, please, could you go along? You don’t need to defend yourself, or be offended by what I say, only listen and let me vent…it will be OK very soon, but I need this!”)

5.- When you recover your senses, she will have a lot of very funny stories to share with you, so you can learn how others see you! Isn’t it fun?

6.- There are strategies for resolution that are available and DO work. Even when forced to fight, you can always fight fair, and send a powerful message.

So, now, it’s time for you to be grateful because you have your share of conflicts in your love relationship, through which you can learn about yourself and grow, right?

We will never know what we can do without challenge and opposition. We will never develop new skills if sheer necessity does not force us to do so. In short, without necessary conflict, we will never grow up.

When you engage others in positive conflict, you are telling them that he/she is important enough for you to invest some energy in improving the relationship, by challenging the sore points in it. You are giving others a big compliment by having a positive conflict with them!

Doing positive conflict is having the courage to confront others in order to change a hurting situation and find a better, more inclusive agreement, which will benefit both of you. This is the key here: the search for a mutually acceptable solution, doing a respectful process that answers both sides’ needs.

This is just the beginning. Once you see that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing, you can start exploring the techniques that will allow you to use conflict as a way to strengthen relationships.

To your healthy relationships!

Discover Why 99% of Disputes in a Relationship are not what you think they are

We all understand how challenging arguments or even simple differences of opinion can be in relationships. People get very afraid of confrontation, and use any pretext to hide from the actual heart of the dispute. Many will quickly resort to asking for a lawyer’s help, hoping the professional will spare them the nasty interaction they are trying to avoid.

Every relationship will have its share of conflicts, disagreements and arguments – and that’s normal! What is missing is our personal attitude towards managing the confrontations… we are either scared into answering with a strong attack as defense, or frozen in fear.

For some people, disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the relationship is flawed, or that we are more flawed than we thought before!

And then, we are left with the weak hope that “this time, because we are in love, everything will be all right.” This is waiting on magic, or on divine intervention… without learning some good conflict resolution skills to deal with disagreements with a loved one, you are in risk of a sad disappointment!

It doesn’t have to be so! Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to open up and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this hidden need for confrontation.

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is it so essential to our self-esteem?
Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other. That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave!

Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one…..Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.

Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about….

How does it compare? No way!

Our hidden needs are pushing our daily actions, everywhere….if you get to understand this simple fact, then a whole perspective opens up….If you see someone embroiled in a big, fiery dispute, you can think: what is this person lacking just now? And how can you provide exactly that?

One big advantage in the provision of symbolic goods, like affection, is that you move away from money or expensive things, and have at hand a whole set of new “carrots” to reward people! And people around us are craving those symbolic rewards: appreciation, recognition, support…. Why is this so difficult to remember each and every day, while dealing with others?

Now, you know….
Apply this techniques and it will be easy for you to deal with confrontations.
Give appreciation, be nice from the start, and listen.

And, if you want to know how to get recognition from others, check the Fair Fighting techniques chapter of the Positive Conflicts eBook at http://www.positiveconflicts.com/

6 Keys to Understand Relationships & Fighting

Probably the vast majority of what you have learned until today about resolving conflicts wasn't very successful. Conflicts are often handled in two main ways: either to avoid or to confront and both were yielding very poor results. We need to learn other ways to manage conflict in such a way that we can come out of it enriched, with a sense of growing ability, and experiencing a stronger bond with the other person, born out of reciprocal satisfaction of both our needs.

In short, there are several concepts that I want you to consider.

Let’s go though them one by one, and watch your reactions to each:

1.- Conflict, as part of any relationship, is inevitable. All relationships have to include some understandings on how to process confrontations. If you two are not fighting, then one of you is repressing his or her needs and it blow up sooner or later.

2.- If we care about something, it will appear as part of a discussion, because it is an important part of who we are….our dreams, our values. It shows that you are alive, and that you care.

3.- It’s a call for attention to discover where our relationship hurts. If you decide to give the disputed thing away, (to be left alone) you are not looking carefully at the relationship behind the dispute! Or you did ignore the early signs, because you feel that you don’t have any skills.

4.- Each discussion helps you see better what you want…So, if you are confused about some issue, go and have a fight about it with your spouse, and it will become clear! If you have an agreement before it happens (“Honey, every now and then, when I’m itching for a fight, please, could you go along? You don’t need to defend yourself, or be offended by what I say, only listen and let me vent…it will be OK very soon, but I need this!”)

5.- When you recover your senses, she will have a lot of very funny stories to share with you, so you can learn how others see you! Isn’t it fun?

6.- There are strategies for resolution that are available and DO work. Even when forced to fight, you can always fight fair, and send a powerful message.

So, now, it’s time for you to be grateful because you have your share of conflicts in your love relationship, through which you can learn about yourself and grow, right?

We will never know what we can do without challenge and opposition. We will never develop new skills if sheer necessity does not force us to do so. In short, without necessary conflict, we will never grow up.

When you engage others in positive conflict, you are telling them that he/she is important enough for you to invest some energy in improving the relationship, by challenging the sore points in it. You are giving others a big compliment by having a positive conflict with them!

Doing positive conflict is having the courage to confront others in order to change a hurting situation and find a better, more inclusive agreement, which will benefit both of you. This is the key here: the search for a mutually acceptable solution, doing a respectful process that answers both sides’ needs.

This is just the beginning. Once you see that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing, you can start exploring the techniques that will allow you to use conflict as a way to strengthen relationships.

To your healthy relationships!

You Need To Turn the Heat on when…

Life confronts you with situations like this: Your birthday is approaching and occasional, not so subtle hints to your fiancée about having your birthday dinner and party at the new French Restaurant in your town was all you thought it would take for him to “get it”! But, as the big day arrived you discover that he arranged for your birthday celebration to be with his friends at his favorite local sports bar, at a time in the evening which just happens to coincide with Monday night football. Now he thinks he has it all. He has his girlfriend, his friends, and football covered. What kind of feelings are you having looking at this picture? If his response is so far from the dinner party you were dreaming of, are you having a big shock? Are you now thinking if you really are the special person for him that you thought you were? When people feel upset, dissatisfied, ignored or simply sad, what we need to do is focus on: What happened that moved you so? Where is such behavior coming from? Do you shut up or do you try to change this situation? You can decide that you would like to confront, of course! But confronting has to be done in the proper way; otherwise you run the risk of escalating a difference. Plan ahead: to be able to confront effectively, you need to pinpoint precisely what is upsetting you; how such behavior is affecting you, and the negative consequences of such behavior on your plans, time, money, and energy, whatever. To confront effectively, use assertive tactics after planning what EXACTLY you are you going to say and do. It is better not to improvise in the heat of the argument! This tactic really works, to call the attention of your partner and make this person be attentive and respectful of your needs…..you need to try it now. It takes a little practice to be able to describe what happened in neutral terms, though, because it means controlling your negative feelings. Ready? Here you have a three-step process: Describe what the other person is doing, without blaming or reproaching: "When you did plan my birthday celebration in a sports bar with your friends, at the same time the game was on…" Explain the impact on you, how were you affected? "I felt sad, disappointed and let down in my wishes" Explain the impact of that event on the relationship: "Because it meant for me that we don’t know enough about each other’s expectations." Following this three-step method, you will be able to confront in a peaceful way, without having to deny yourself or your perceptions….Know how to escalate safely, and refuse to allow misunderstandings that are hurting you both. Clean your relationship from dark areas that are not only frustrating but also not conducive to good, positive interactions. And focus on creating a positive environment again: "How can we do things in a different way next time?" To find more, easy steps to improve your relationship Go to: http://www.positiveconflicts.com You can be reading a complete set of tips like this one, in just a few minutes. Have a great new life, with new conflict skills!

How a Technique From a Dolphin Trainer can Help Your Marriage?

Be warned this article is written from a female perspective, but the techniques are gender neutral. What is clever is those behaviours that we re-discover in animals are 100% human too. And with some common sense they could be applied to our daily life.

What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage - New York Times: "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage
By AMY SUTHERLAND

AS I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. 'Have you seen my keys?' he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset.

In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, 'Don't worry, they'll turn up.' But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog.

Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer."

About Responsability

Many times we hide behind excuses, and we try to avoid our responsibility for where we are in this life.
If you think that you are a victim of your past, just remember that no matter how bad that was, you are the only master of your future. Stack the cards in your favor and start acting towards your goals.

Learn the skills that you need to succeed at work at
FRACAT - Free Resume and Career Toolbox :
"NEWSFLASH: Nobody cares why your skills are out of date. It's up to you (and only you) to make sure that you've got the skills to compete in a modern labor market."

What kind of future is possible for this relationship?

I know you are frustrated by the amount of work needed by recognizing and managing the PA person’s passivity and hidden anger. If all this is not enough work, now you need to be aware of your second task, as important as the first and it is to take care of yourself.

Women need to confront a romantic assumption that is so common: we believe in solidarity, and in taking care of each other. If you try to be non judgmental with him, accepting him for who he is, angry or not, then it should be obvious that you can and should expect reciprocity from your partner. It is difficult to say if, and when you will receive his acceptance and recognition. Whatever is the reason for his anger, and whatever is your generous attitude without limits, nobody knows how long will take for him to be able to see you as a person with genuine needs.

As he continues acting out on his needs, his rage can appear directed towards you, even when it has no reason to be so. We are dealing with feelings rooted in his childhood, not in actual situations which could be better managed with respect and restraint.

A good lesson for him is to identify who is he angry with (his mother, his boss, etc) and do something to solve the anger-provoking situation, instead of taking it out on you.

Your solution is to find a compromise between setting limits to his anger to protect yourself without censoring the anger. Setting limits to his hostile behavior will protect you and the relationship.

How do you do it? With a “feelings report:”

“When you do… (mention here the behavior) I feel ……(offended, hurt, humiliated, etc), because……(mention the effect on you).

“When you decide to be angry with me in the party we went together, and stop talking to me the entire night, I feel very sad and lonely because it was like, being invisible.”

If done with the right attitude, emotionally secure, not upset, but calmly, it will serve to bridge the distance between the PA person and you.

First: it serves you, because by describing his behavior you are more able to understand what is happening, beyond your own confused emotions. You can stop feeling induced guilt and see exactly what is going on, so letting him know of this impact, thus he can react towards the real consequences of his actions on you.

Keep your right to confront him, because this is a necessary part of being in a relationship with him. Remember, this is a person who uses snide reflections, blaming, and withdrawn attitudes as normal communication tools.

If you allow his treatment to continue and do not confront him about it, you can end up being blamed for everything, even about things that his mother did to him thirty five years ago! Remember that part of his attempted deal is to make you end up described as the “bad person” and him representing himself as someone’s victim, in this case yours.

How do you protect yourself from a person who always describes himself as victimized by others (including you)? Let’s not talk here about your emotional pain at watching your loving attitudes thwarted by this “misery interpretation,” which attributes always nasty reasons to whatever you do to him. Keep focusing instead on the fact that you are not his mother, or any other person, but his partner, and both are in a mutual, reciprocal relationship.

You need to manage your anger, or guilt or whatever he prompts you to feel. If you were not a violent person before knowing him but now find yourself frequently exasperated, this is a warning signal that he is getting you off center. Do whatever is necessary (meditation, support groups, having a counselor or a coach, talk to friends) to get back to your emotional balance before him.

It takes a lot of effort being clear about your emotions, understanding the impact of his PA behavior on you, all the while bringing him back to the subject that concerns you in a way slightly casual or relaxed, so he can hear you.

Remember all the time: you are dealing with three jobs here:

a) balancing his personal, individual emotional demands
b) preserving the relationship by talking and discussing issues that need clarification and improvement
c) taking care of and nurturing yourself.

Do you want to regain the power to be happy in a good relationship?
How could you get more support?
There is a wealth of ideas, comments and support in
www.passiveaggresive.com

Claim your FREE COACHING SESSION from Coach Nora , www.norafemenia.com

Four Ways of Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior while keeping your sanity!

Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior while keeping your sanity!

How can you pursue this relationship without being hurt?
Here is a short list of indicators to keep you aware of what is going on:

1.- The hidden anger aspect:

Passive Aggressive people carry a lot of repressed anger from their childhood, now projected on the people around them. It appears as sarcastic comments, derisive opinions and blaming other people.

Llook at the annoying behavior as 'behavior done with an impact on me'.
Recognize your emotions: is it anger? or disappointment? and remain calm and poised. Control your own breathing. Don't let him get the best of you. PA people begin to win when the shouting starts and you become defensive and angry at their inconsiderate behavior.
Instead, describe his behavior, and then talk about how it creates a problem. For instance, you might say, 'When we are discussing something and you make a sarcastic remark, it blocks the conversation and then I'm not able to tell you what you're really asking. It would be helpful to me if you would tell me directly what you're thinking and feeling. That way, I can respond and perhaps we can even make things better.'

Read the Full article at:Four Ways of Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior while keeping your sanity!

Individual Responsibility

I found this site very challenging as it goes against my current (should I say past) point of view. What it strike me, is the clear message of 'Take Responsibility' that it delivers.

Individual Responsibility: "I am thirty-five years old, but have only recently learned the lessons of Individual Responsibility. For most of my life, I've blamed others (family, employers, politicians) for my problems, and I've been very unhappy most of the time. But have finally come to accept that I am responsible for my life and my happiness, and that has resulted in a dramatic improvement in my self-confidence and sense of well-being.

Here is a summary of what I've accepted:

* I am responsible for my own emotions. Others may do bad things to me, and may even hurt me, but if I let it eat me up inside, the blame rests with me.
* I am responsible for my own economic security. TheyCanFireMe, but if I am not prepared for that, it is my fault for not planning ahead.
* I am responsible for my own career. If an employer is not providing me with the opportunities I want, or is mistreating me in some way, I can JustLeave. If nobody wants to hire me, it is up to me to make myself more hire-able, or to create a job for myself.
* If I don't like the way things are, it is my responsibility to seek out or accept leadership roles so that I can change things. I don't expect anyone else to accept my suggestions and implement them.

from The Self Improvement Pattern Wiki

The power and strength to transform your life are inside you, waiting for your command.

Preventing Negative Emotions from Blowing Up Your Relationships

Negative emotions should be left out as much as possible from your interactions, by denying or repressing them. (This is a short term strategy, but in the long term is preferable to manage those emotions in a different way).

Now, you can let them dissipate without hurt, by following the following Steps:
a) Stop escalation, and ask for time off, if you can’t control your rage.
See if you can identify not the anger, (you know already that you are furious) but the hurt feelings underneath…. Pain is the other side of the coin of anger. Say: 'I’m sorry, this issue affects me and I need time to cool off…'

b) Express how it hurts, with the emphasis on you.
I statements begin as: 'When you do this to me, I feel hurt because…'
Avoid blaming, and keep talking about the effects of that behavior on you….
Be concise: it hurts me because I lose sleep, or security or money if you do this behavior.

c) If the conversation escalates into angry words, you can de-escalate by talking about how much the relationship, your mutual project or whatever you have in common is suffering.

Why is it necessary to process emotions?
It is better than repressing, and allows them to dissipate, after fulfilling the purpose of alerting us about something to be changed. Acknowledging that an issue is irritant, toxic or abrasive in a matter of fact way, without blaming anybody, is the best ways of processing those emotions without letting them block our daily life.

NORA FEMENIA

This suggestions and techniques included in the path designed by the Relational Conflict Mastery Program offered by www.positiveconflicts.com

Ask for your FREE coaching session at www.norafemenia.com, It is specialy designed for for individuals experiencing high levels of inter-personal conflict, or also for individuals fearing incoming rounds of negotiations and deal making with angry opponents (from ex-spouses to other enemies.)

Too many conflicts in your life now?

Have you ever found yourself thinking something like this string of thoughts?:

“This person is yelling at me, like she is attacking me, so she must be against me, so she is my enemy. If this person is my enemy, then, by definition, she is incapable of change and improvement, and is undeserving of trust and respect, now and forever. I have to defend myself against this person, who will always be violent and aggressive towards me. And if she does this to me, she will do it to others. Let’s rally Others against her!”


Well, this is the basic Conflict Frame, where we destroy others in self-defense and end up lonely and feared. When relationships are challenging, and you feel alone battling against others, focus on regaining some control over emotional chaos. You have the power of reframing the way you position yourself in interpersonal disputes, so not to give in to this destructive Conflict frame, or “me against the world” attitude.
The first step that your Conflict Coach would invite you to do is to take a deep breath and suspend the usual thoughts about being “a victim attacked by others” (spouse, boss, world, etc). This is the usual story that we tell ourselves: how we are in the right and the others are unjust, aggressive, etc toward us. Try to position yourself in an intermediary position, and look at you, your behavior and attitudes in a neutral way, while reflecting on the other side from the same neutral view.

The steps taking charge of the situation are:

1. Avoid defining yourself as the only victim:
Both sides have a valid story to tell; all depends where from you see the picture. Both are victims and aggressors, in different ways.


Ask the basic question:
Why this conflict appears now in my life?
You will regain ownership of your side of the conflict, and understand why you are inside it. Is it because it helps to hide other problems you don’t want to see?
No fight is Armageddon, yet, so don’t give your personal squabble more importance than it has. It’s only a dispute, so lower its importance and don’t let it take over the rest of your life. With perspective, you can even laugh at watching yourself in this movie, doing the same things as in all other personal movies….. Has this kind of dispute happened before? Do you find yourself always dealing with people with the same characteristics? Why do you need to have it played all over again?


Best wishes,
Nora Femenia, Ph.D.
Conflict Coaching
http://www.norafemenia.com
Call (954) 568-3620 now to schedule your FREE 15-minute interview.
I look forward to hearing from you and finding out how Conflict Coaching can empower your life!

“HOLIDAY BLUES” avoidance plan

Feelinig lonely or isolated in this period of Thanksgiving?

Take these steps for a "Blues Free" celebration!


What is the most important element in your relationships with others this Holiday Season?
To be based on positive feelings of belonging and love, right?

Here we are again, looking at a new holiday season.It provides us with several opportunities to reevaluate where we are and who loves us…..and who doesn’t. Perhaps this year the holidays are helping you find ways to reconnect again, and bridge past conflicts!

This season is the time of the year where families come closer to celebrate, and also a period where we evaluate ourselves. Do you find too much grief in your situation? Have you had a big confrontation this year with a loved one? Perhaps you saw a good relationship fizzle and disappear because there was love, but also too much confrontation and you both never learned how to manage conflict and differences without inflicting permanent wounds?

If you carry on a baggage of past painful misunderstandings or love/hate relationships, the end of the year is also a period where you may feel stressed and depressed, and your heart filled with sadness and regret. Worst, you can be feeling alone and isolated from the people you love! Where is the acceptance and recognition that you, as everybody else, crave?

It is possible to change those feelings, by taking some positive actions to improve your present relationships. If you take positive action now to truly understand what those conflicts are about, you will be in a better position to take corrective actions, and bring those you truly love closer to you.

Even if not everything can be fixed now, some gestures of good will, done sincerely will give you peace of mind because you will have made honest attempts to improve the situation. Damaged relationships carry a lot of hurt and resentment and it may take some time for things to settle down, if there is a sustained effort at making things right again.


So put your plan A today in action, and have a better, purposefully tailored holiday season. End of the year blues can be avoided if you act now on purpose to improve your relationships.

Plan “A”

Forget the past confrontation, family is family. Do a “good will gesture” as sending flowers or a food present to the house of the person you miss more. Write a nice card, saying only something like: “appreciating your love, always”

Put time aside to be able to share and talk. Visit people and ask simply for a little time to talk. You can also offer to only focus on the positive aspects of the past history. Forget if you were right or not; DO NOT mention negative aspects of the past. Try to identify the positive aspects of the relationship, and say that you are grateful for those aspects.

Do a little reconciliation: offer an apology for your share of the problems; be grateful if the other side is willing to spend time with you. You could be so brave as to ask for his/her suggestions about improving the relationship in the future!

Whatever your feelings are, DO NOT give in to depression and disappear: be present in any way you can: flowers, card, phone call.

Plan “B”:

Not ready to face anyone yet?
Organize your holidays: have a clear idea of what you are going to do. If not sharing time with family, find friends, or go volunteer in a church or charity organization to help with holiday preparations.
You will find people there who will see and recognize you as a wonderful, generous person. Take that recognition, because that is what you need. Perhaps after the holidays, it helps you think a plan to restore relationships with the people you love for next year!


NEIL WARNER
www.positiveconflicts.com

The answers are within you, my friend.

What do you do when you have to take a decision?
I normally will delay until I have the feeling that is the right moment.
I know it is not a rational way to handle this things, but I seems to work for me.
For other circumstances a more methodological approach may be handy. And that is exactly what Gina Trapani describes in her article:Four ways to make a big decision. But take this approach with a grain of salt. If your subject is of the soul searching type, you may use this method to justify what your guts are telling you. When you take a decision, make it in your mind and in your heart.

Geek to Live: Four ways to make a big decision - Lifehacker

To your success,
Juan Pablo
You have the power to transform your conflicts, into positive energy

Gear up your Optimism

Our views are highly influenced by our own internal feelings.
By cultivating a positive view, we can make our life much better, and we will be more open to accept what life has to offer, talking much of the stress that is generated when we fight against adversity.
This does not mean we need to forget our dreams and needs. It means that evey event can be seen in a necessary step that will bring us closer to our goals.

INTERPRETING EXPERIENCE POSITIVELY:

(1) Selective Focus: Emphasizing the enjoyable, constructive, open aspects of life.

(2) Refraining from Complaining: Avoiding pointless complaining and whining about oneÂ’s difficulties. Taking the world as it is and not complaining that life isnÂ’t fair.

(3) Questioning Limits: A constructive skepticism that challenges the limiting beliefs held by ourselves, our associates, and our society. A fundamental creative openness to possibilities.

(4) Sense of Abundance: Feeling free to do what you want, rather than feeling compelled by circumstances or people. Recognizing the world to be full of opportunities. Being for things, not against things.

(5) Humor: Seeing oneÂ’s own shortcomings with a sense of humor. Allowing healthy, good-natured humor to reveal new perspectives and combat dogmatic thinking.

INFLUENCING OUTCOMES POSITIVELY:

(6) Rational: Using reason rather than being lead by fears and desires. Objectively assessing situations and taking action based on understanding reality apart from our wishes.

(7) Self-Improving: Optimists see the self as a process and seek continual improvement. Their drive to improve is not pushed by fear but pulled by a inspiring self-image.

(8) Experimental: Frequently trying fresh approaches, staying out of ruts, actively seeking more effective ways of achieving goals, and being willing to take calculated risks.

(9) Self-Confident: Believing that we can bring about good things. A fundamental conviction of competence in living.

(10) Self-Worth: Believing one is worthy of success and happiness. Without this, attempts to improve oneÂ’s life will lack motivation.

(11) Personal Responsibility: Taking charge and creating the conditions for success. Being aware of how we determine our chances of success. This crucially involves integrity: living according to one'’s values.

(12) Selecting Environment: Being attracted to positive people and situations. Seeking out those who will support and inspire, not discourage, distract, and undermine.

Source The Occupational Adventure (sm): Dynamic optimism

Juan Pablo Mattenet

You have the power to transform your conflicts, into positive energy

More food for the mind

The Stockdale Paradox

How do you keep your Optimism in the adversity?
This short text has a diamond at the very end.
And yes, I think that at the end we will prevail.

Enjoy

Juan Pablo Mattenet
Transform your Conflicts into positive energy!

Feeding your Brain bit by bit

Conflicts, are seldom related to how we feel about ourselves in relation to the others.
Comparing is then a good thing to do. Right?
Think, then read the rest:
DailyOM - Comparing Yourself To Others

Juan Pablo Mattenet
PositiveConflicts.com

Imprisoned by your thoughts?

“Problems exist only in the human mind.”

-- Anthony de Mello

For most of us, there's always a long 'to do' list.
That's a fact.

And it's easy to feel victimized. 'Poor me!'’
That'’s not a fact. That is a choice.

Experiment with your life to explore how much your mind is your jailer. Simply let go of the '‘oh woe'’ kinds of thoughts. Silence your mind. Be right here, right now. Decide what you will do now and do it, without buying in to the mind'’s sob story. When one task is done, you can then choose another.

Allowing the mind to agonize about the size of the '‘to do' list just makes us tired before we even get started. It doesn'’t have to be this way.

'“Don't water your weeds.'
Meet life's challenges in a whole new way

Don't take it personally (Sound Advice?)

One of the difficulties on handling conflicts is that we tend to take them personally. This short post has some advice on detaching the People from the actions.
Read more Sowing the Seeds of Glorious Living!:

Escalation of Interpersonal Conflict

Conflict is a part of most every interpersonal relationship.
Managing conflict, then, is important if the relationship is to be long-lasting and rewarding. Learning how to manage conflict involves being able to identify the steps in any escalating confrontation, and being able to stop the escalation and do emotional repair by reinforcing the positive aspects of the relationship."
More: Escalation of Interpersonal Conflict: