Discover Why 99% of Disputes in a Relationship are not what you think they are

We all understand how challenging arguments or even simple differences of opinion can be in relationships. People get very afraid of confrontation, and use any pretext to hide from the actual heart of the dispute. Many will quickly resort to asking for a lawyer’s help, hoping the professional will spare them the nasty interaction they are trying to avoid.

Every relationship will have its share of conflicts, disagreements and arguments – and that’s normal! What is missing is our personal attitude towards managing the confrontations… we are either scared into answering with a strong attack as defense, or frozen in fear.

For some people, disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the relationship is flawed, or that we are more flawed than we thought before!

And then, we are left with the weak hope that “this time, because we are in love, everything will be all right.” This is waiting on magic, or on divine intervention… without learning some good conflict resolution skills to deal with disagreements with a loved one, you are in risk of a sad disappointment!

It doesn’t have to be so! Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to open up and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this hidden need for confrontation.

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is it so essential to our self-esteem?
Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other. That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave!

Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one…..Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.

Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about….

How does it compare? No way!

Our hidden needs are pushing our daily actions, everywhere….if you get to understand this simple fact, then a whole perspective opens up….If you see someone embroiled in a big, fiery dispute, you can think: what is this person lacking just now? And how can you provide exactly that?

One big advantage in the provision of symbolic goods, like affection, is that you move away from money or expensive things, and have at hand a whole set of new “carrots” to reward people! And people around us are craving those symbolic rewards: appreciation, recognition, support…. Why is this so difficult to remember each and every day, while dealing with others?

Now, you know….
Apply this techniques and it will be easy for you to deal with confrontations.
Give appreciation, be nice from the start, and listen.

And, if you want to know how to get recognition from others, check the Fair Fighting techniques chapter of the Positive Conflicts eBook at http://www.positiveconflicts.com/