Sunday, July 08, 2012
Saturday, July 07, 2012
Friday, July 06, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Saturday, June 09, 2012
Saturday, May 05, 2012
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
New Year’s Resolutions Doomed to Fail?
Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic?
Besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us.
Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!
More: New Year’s Resolutions Doomed to Fail?
Besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us.
Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!
More: New Year’s Resolutions Doomed to Fail?
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Friday, September 09, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Friday, July 01, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Monday, April 04, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Friday, February 04, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation is worth a new read!
The year that is d
Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation
(from the collection of Lincoln's papers in the Library of America series, Vol II, pp. 520-521).
The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.
In the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union.
Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle, or the ship; the axe had enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore.
Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom. No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy.
It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and voice by the whole American People. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.
And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to his tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union.
It is the duty of nations as well as of men to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God; to confess their sins and transgressions in humble sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon; and to recognize the sublime truth, announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations are blessed whose God is the Lord. -
Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation October 3, 1863aham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation October 3, 1863
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Monday, November 01, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Emotional Conflict produced by Mind Games?
Emotional Conflict produced by Mind Games?
Does a fight with your partner often result in them putting all the blame on you and your shortcomings?
The biggest temptation in a situation like this, as it drags on and on and you feel worse and worse, is to say “Yes, you’re right” and end the conversation. They walk away with a satisfied look and you finally have some space. But there’s something else they walk away with – your dignity.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Why do we describe conflict as positive?
Why do we describe conflict as positive?
Because conflict is the signal to process the inevitable changes in our lives! Well understood, conflict is the connection between change and growth and conflict!
We will never know what we can do without challenge and opposition by others.
We will never develop new skills if sheer necessity does not force us to do so.
In short, without conflict, we will never grow.
When you engage others in positive conflict, you are telling them that he/she is important enough for you to invest some energy in improving the relationship, by challenging the sore points in it.
You are making others a big compliment by having a positive conflict with them!
Conflict is positive when it:
Results in clarification of important problems and issues;
Results in solutions to individual or common problems;
Involves people together in resolving issues important to them;
Causes authentic communication;
Helps in working through emotion, anxiety, and stress;
Builds cooperation among people through learning the reciprocal limits about each other;
Helps individuals develop understanding of other's positions and interpersonal skills;
Provides recognition of each other's humanity;
So, you need to learn how to do conflict in a positive way, RIGHT?
THEN, you need to visit: http://www.positiveconflicts.com/pcv2
Monday, April 28, 2008
HOW COUPLES PROCESS CHANGE IS WHAT MATTERS
As long as we live, we are immersed in a social network that is continually evolving. If you don’t want to live like a hermit in the forest, completely severing all ties with the outside world; if you don’t want to play dead, doing whatever you can to avoid conflict, then you constructively and fearlessly have to deal with conflict in one way or another.
As long as we live, we are immersed in a social network that is continually evolving. If you don’t want to live like a hermit in the forest, completely severing all ties with the outside world; if you don’t want to play dead, doing whatever you can to avoid conflict, then you constructively and fearlessly have to deal with conflict in one way or another.
Even when it is not we who change, but someone else, it affects us, because we are interdependent people. Each person’s choices affect another person in some way. So it can be taken as a given that if one person changes especially someone near and dear, then someone else— most likely you—is going to have to accept that change, to go along with it, like it or not.
At times, out of fear and resistance, we decided that, no matter what, we would stick to the old rules of engagement. We would continue to think and see things in the same way, because they fit within the limits of our comfort zone. The perceived need, sometimes desperate, to avoid change invited and welcomed in us the belief that everything was status quo. And then, disaster struck! Those around us, continuing with their personal growth, either changed mindsets and perspectives, becoming totally different people, or left us, or are just now voicing strong rejection of our ideas. Nobody shares any longer the views that we have.
At the end, if we remain adamant in keeping the old ways of thinking, the others will leave us alone. The price of resisting change is, in the end, being left alone in our bubble, by a world that has moved on and left us behind…. as hidden dinosaurs, survivors in a different world. Everybody is changing continuously, and they help us to go along with theirs and our change by confronting us.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO THINK ABOUT THIS STORY?
Alice was getting more and more efficient in her job. It was as she was made for that position: intelligent, dedicated, and always coming up with creative ways of solving problems. Finally, a big promotion was offered to her, which entailed changing cities and a whole new life style.
Her husband, totally confused about this unexpected turn of events, refused to consider any of the possibilities for the new situation. Upset and resentful, he tried to get her to either refuse the promotion or give up the job altogether. She began to see his attitude as selfish and destructive, and suddenly was confronted with a major crisis in her life.
Only after so much patient talk she was able to focus him on the real reasons for his hard attitude, and pleading for his support allowed him to feel a little better (not left behind), move on and realize how damaging acting out his fear could be for the marriage….
NOW, do you see the connection between change and conflict? Are you ready to move along the lines that life is giving you now, and leave the old certainties behind? Learning this skills is perhaps the most vital learning of our lifes: to move along change is to follow the nature of our lives, always changing and developing....old things are abandoned and left behind and we are forced? invited? to think in a different way almost every day!
Wishing you courage to shift when needed....and grow along the process, till next time!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
HEAVEN AND HELL
HEAVEN AND HELL
A violent samurai warrior with a reputation for provoking fights for no reason arrived at the gates of a Zen monastery and asked to speak to the master.
Without hesitating, Ryokan went to meet him.
‘They say that intelligence is more powerful than brute force,’ said the samurai. ‘Can you explain to me what heaven and hell are?’
Ryokan said nothing.
‘You see?’ bellowed the samurai. ‘I could explain quite easily: to show someone what hell is, you just have to punch them. To show them what heaven is, you just have threaten them with terrible violence and then let them go.’
‘I don’t talk to stupid people like you,’ said the Zen master.
The blood rushed to the samurai’s head. His brain became thick with hatred.
‘That is hell,’ said Ryokan, smiling. ‘Allowing yourself to be upset by silly remarks.’
Taken aback by the monk’s courage, the samurai warrior softened.
‘And that is heaven,’ said Ryokan, inviting him in. ‘Not reacting to foolish provocations.’
Yoga takes a very similar approach:
• Detach, stay back, observe. Observe your own thoughts. Thoughts create emotions. Thoughts come first. Sometimes it happens so quickly that we miss it. We only notice the emotion but not the underlying thought.
• By observing and controlling your thoughts you can keep your emotions in check rather than your emotions controlling you.
• I know, this is much easier said than done. With practice you will make progress.
• Your first job is to notice and then observe when negative, self destructive and unhelpful thoughts are starting to rush through your mind.
• Set yourself a task for this week: every time you notice negative, unhelpful, fearful thoughts or self talk, say to yourself “stop”. This takes practice, initially you might be 5 or 10 minutes down the track before you even realize what you are doing to yourself. It doesn’t matter - just stop.
• Take a deep breath.
• Turn your mind to something positive about yourself, something you achieved today, this week, yesterday…. enjoy the feeling you create by thinking about something positive.
• Praise yourself, pat yourself on the back - say to yourself: “Well done, you are a star, this is great…” Don’t cringe, just keep encouraging yourself. After a while, it will feel quite natural.
Have a lovely day!
Posted in Yoga Philosophy | Words: 456 |
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
LOVE, CHOCOLATE AND DANGEROUS THINGS
Love, chocolate and dangerous things
It’s St. Valentine day again and you wonder where the love excitement in your life is? It’s just here!
We know the basics, right? When you fall in love, there are certain chemicals in your brain that make all your perspective shift into high gear…you really know that you are in love, because you feel it all the time. Your pulse quickens; your heart beats and this delicious feeling of anticipation gives a rosy tint to your (previously boring) life.
You also know that, once the first wave of excitement is gone, after 18 months, or two years, routine sets in…you have a secure companion, and this is a good thing. But at the same time, the pulse-quickening excitement is gone! Does it mean that the love itself is now gone? No way!...but this delicious excitement is dimmed. And you surely want it back.
The chemistry of love is based on the brain: every time we produce a feeling or a thought, we can be sure that it is based on a chemical track in our brain. The love excitement felt by the chemicals in the brain is highly addictive! And we all need that burst of dopamine in the brain that makes us feel alive, excited, connected and successful…
Are you going to search for this excitement by having a new love? This can be the solution if you are single, and you miss really the companionship and support of someone significant in your life. Then, this is a good time to take your wish for love seriously and put your call out for a new relationship. Be sure that this new relationship gives you the romantic feeling at the beginning, because without it, there is no gratification and being with someone would be more of a chore, right?
In search of excitement, are you going to have an affair? This is not such a good idea! It has the potential to give your brain a shot of the excitement you miss, for sure. By the way, it can be too exciting, and take you just to the verge of disaster, when it pushes you to risk the present relationship…now seen as boring and “lacking excitement.” You could be compared to the person who needs a new drug, or more of the previous drug dose, in order to feel excited again….Not a good comparison.
Being in love and being in drugs have something in common: the brain is actively engaged in the production of hormones that make us feel excited. As a matter of fact, this is the same mechanism that chocolate uses to make us happy!
So, do you want more love excitement/dopamine just in time for Valentine’s day? No need to take a new lover if the life you have with your present partner is good enough!
Here is what you can do: you need to generate in your brain (and hers) the dopamine-producing activity: both of you need to do something together that is completely new for both. This new activity, be it snow shoeing, trekking, ballroom dancing, etc. will provide the challenge to the brain to begin producing the results you expect.
It is even recommended that the new activity could be doing something so new, and never intended before, as to be a little challenging or dangerous…Nothing that resembles your sedated vacation plans, but more like learning to climb walls or going to Costa Rica to trek up an active volcano. Your pick, but please, for added security, take also a box of semisweet chocolate in your suitcase, and the excitement package will be completed!
Get a grip at your love life this year!
Coach Nora will help to you to see trough you personal life problems and put you on track to achieve your dreams. http://www.norafemenia.com
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Why do couples fight?
Why do couples fight?
Marital squabbles can be over lots of things:
· Control struggles (who's in charge) and how decisions are made
· Degree of reciprocal control or independence
· Treatment of in-laws and significant relatives
· Sex: how, when, why, by whom, varieties
· Money: earning, managing, saving and spending
With the objective of controlling, humiliating or winning over the other, all kinds of negative things are said, that are difficult to retrieve. The results are very sad, because repetition of the fight, which is inevitable when it is not resolved, will sour the relationship.
Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to connect and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this deep need for confrontation.
Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is there it so essential to our self-esteem? Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other. That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave!
Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one…..Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.
Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about….how does it compare? No way!
Why can't we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn't taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so!
And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautiful person they want to spend their lives with us!
And then, very shortly, this admiration we managed to achieve goes missing, and sadly the only way to get our partner’s attention back on us is to have a good fight.
NOW, if we could only know how to do a positive conflicts fight!!!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Visualize your Desires! Here is how:
Visualize and Affirm Your Desired Outcomes: A Step-by-Step Guide
You have within you an awesome power that most of us have never been taught to use. Elite athletes use it. The super rich use it. And peak performers in all fields are now starting to use it.
That power is called visualization. The daily practice of visualizing your dreams as already complete can rapidly accelerate your achievement of those dreams. Visualization of your goals and desires accomplishes four very important things.
1. It activates your creative subconscious which will start generating creative ideas to achieve your goal.
2. It programs your brain to more readily perceive and recognize the resources you will need to achieve your dreams.
3. It activates the law of attraction, thereby drawing into your life the people, resources, and circumstances you will need to achieve your goals.
4. It builds your internal motivation to take the necessary actions to achieve your dreams.
Visualization is really quite simple. You sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes and imagine — in as vivid detail as you can — what you would be looking at if the dream you have were already realized. Imagine being inside of yourself, looking out through your eyes at the ideal result.
Mental Rehearsal
Athletes call this visualization process “mental rehearsal,” and they have been using it since the 1960s when we learned about it from the Russians. All you have to do is set aside a few minutes a day. The best times are when you first wake up, after meditation or prayer, and right before you go to bed. These are the times you are most relaxed. Go through the following three steps:
1. Imagine sitting in a movie theater, the lights dim, and then the movie starts. It is a movie of you doing perfectly whatever it is that you want to do better. See as much detail as you can create, including your clothing, the expression on your face, small body movements, the environment and any other people that might be around. Add in any sounds you would be hearing — traffic, music, other people talking, cheering. And finally, recreate in your body any feelings you think you would be experiencing as you engage in this activity.
2. Get out of your chair, walk up to the screen, open a door in the screen and enter into the movie. Now experience the whole thing again from inside of yourself, looking out through your eyes. This is called an “embodied image” rather than a “distant image.” It will deepen the impact of the experience. Again, see everything in vivid detail, hear the sounds you would hear, and feel the feelings you would feel.
3. Finally, walk back out of the screen that is still showing the picture of you performing perfectly, return to your seat in the theater, reach out and grab the screen and shrink it down to the size of a cracker. Then, bring this miniature screen up to your mouth, chew it up and swallow it. Imagine that each tiny piece — just like a hologram — contains the full picture of you performing well. Imagine all these little screens traveling down into your stomach and out through the bloodstream into every cell of your body. Then imagine that every cell of your body is lit up with a movie of you performing perfectly. It’s like one of those appliance store windows where 50 televisions are all tuned to the same channel.
When you have finished this process — it should take less than five minutes — you can open your eyes and go about your business. If you make this part of your daily routine, you will be amazed at how much improvement you will see in your life.
Create Goal Pictures
Another powerful technique is to create a photograph or picture of yourself with your goal, as if it were already completed. If one of your goals is to own a new car, take your camera down to your local auto dealer and have a picture taken of yourself sitting behind the wheel of your dream car. If your goal is to visit Paris, find a picture or poster of the Eiffel Tower and cut out a picture of yourself and place it into the picture. With today’s technology, you could probably make an even more convincing image using your computer.
Create a Visual Picture and an Affirmation for Each Goal
We recommend that you find or create a picture of every aspect of your dream life. Create a picture or a visual representation for every goal you have — financial, career, recreation, new skills and abilities, things you want to purchase, and so on.
When we were writing the very first Chicken Soup for the Soul® book, we took a copy of the New York Times best seller list, scanned it into our computer, and using the same font as the newspaper, typed Chicken Soup for the Soul into the number one position in the “Paperback Advice, How-To and Miscellaneous” category. We printed several copies and hung them up around the office. Less than two years later, our book was the number one book in that category and stayed there for over a year!
Index Cards
We practice a similar discipline every day. We each have a list of about 30-40 goals we are currently working on. We write each goal on a 3x5 index card and keep those cards near our bed and take them with us when we travel. Each morning and each night we go through the stack of cards, one at a time, read the card, close our eyes, see the completion of that goal in its perfect desired state for about 15 seconds, open our eyes and repeat the process with the next card.
Use Affirmations to Support Your Visualization
An affirmation is a statement that evokes not only a picture, but the experience of already having what you want. Here’s an example of an affirmation:
I am happily vacationing 2 months out of the year in a tropical paradise, and working just four days a week owning my own business.
Repeating an affirmation several times a day keeps you focused on your goal, strengthens your motivation, and programs your subconscious by sending an order to your crew to do whatever it takes to make that goal happen.
Expect Results
Through writing down your goals, using the power of visualization and repeating your affirmations, you can achieve amazing results. Visualization and affirmations allow you to change your beliefs, assumptions, and opinions about the most important person in your life — YOU! They allow you to harness the 18 billion brain cells in your brain and get them all working in a singular and purposeful direction.
Your subconscious will become engaged in a process that transforms you forever. The process is invisible and doesn’t take a long time. It just happens over time, as long as you put in the time to visualize and affirm, surround yourself with positive people, read uplifting books and listen to audio programs that flood your mind with positive, life-affirming messages.
Repeat your affirmations every morning and night for a month and they will become an automatic part of your thinking — they will become woven into the very fabric of your being.
© 2006 Jack Canfield
Jack Canfield, America’s Success Coach, is the founder and co-creator of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul and the nation's leading authority on Peak Performance. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at www.JackCanfield.com
You have within you an awesome power that most of us have never been taught to use. Elite athletes use it. The super rich use it. And peak performers in all fields are now starting to use it.
That power is called visualization. The daily practice of visualizing your dreams as already complete can rapidly accelerate your achievement of those dreams. Visualization of your goals and desires accomplishes four very important things.
1. It activates your creative subconscious which will start generating creative ideas to achieve your goal.
2. It programs your brain to more readily perceive and recognize the resources you will need to achieve your dreams.
3. It activates the law of attraction, thereby drawing into your life the people, resources, and circumstances you will need to achieve your goals.
4. It builds your internal motivation to take the necessary actions to achieve your dreams.
Visualization is really quite simple. You sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes and imagine — in as vivid detail as you can — what you would be looking at if the dream you have were already realized. Imagine being inside of yourself, looking out through your eyes at the ideal result.
Mental Rehearsal
Athletes call this visualization process “mental rehearsal,” and they have been using it since the 1960s when we learned about it from the Russians. All you have to do is set aside a few minutes a day. The best times are when you first wake up, after meditation or prayer, and right before you go to bed. These are the times you are most relaxed. Go through the following three steps:
1. Imagine sitting in a movie theater, the lights dim, and then the movie starts. It is a movie of you doing perfectly whatever it is that you want to do better. See as much detail as you can create, including your clothing, the expression on your face, small body movements, the environment and any other people that might be around. Add in any sounds you would be hearing — traffic, music, other people talking, cheering. And finally, recreate in your body any feelings you think you would be experiencing as you engage in this activity.
2. Get out of your chair, walk up to the screen, open a door in the screen and enter into the movie. Now experience the whole thing again from inside of yourself, looking out through your eyes. This is called an “embodied image” rather than a “distant image.” It will deepen the impact of the experience. Again, see everything in vivid detail, hear the sounds you would hear, and feel the feelings you would feel.
3. Finally, walk back out of the screen that is still showing the picture of you performing perfectly, return to your seat in the theater, reach out and grab the screen and shrink it down to the size of a cracker. Then, bring this miniature screen up to your mouth, chew it up and swallow it. Imagine that each tiny piece — just like a hologram — contains the full picture of you performing well. Imagine all these little screens traveling down into your stomach and out through the bloodstream into every cell of your body. Then imagine that every cell of your body is lit up with a movie of you performing perfectly. It’s like one of those appliance store windows where 50 televisions are all tuned to the same channel.
When you have finished this process — it should take less than five minutes — you can open your eyes and go about your business. If you make this part of your daily routine, you will be amazed at how much improvement you will see in your life.
Create Goal Pictures
Another powerful technique is to create a photograph or picture of yourself with your goal, as if it were already completed. If one of your goals is to own a new car, take your camera down to your local auto dealer and have a picture taken of yourself sitting behind the wheel of your dream car. If your goal is to visit Paris, find a picture or poster of the Eiffel Tower and cut out a picture of yourself and place it into the picture. With today’s technology, you could probably make an even more convincing image using your computer.
Create a Visual Picture and an Affirmation for Each Goal
We recommend that you find or create a picture of every aspect of your dream life. Create a picture or a visual representation for every goal you have — financial, career, recreation, new skills and abilities, things you want to purchase, and so on.
When we were writing the very first Chicken Soup for the Soul® book, we took a copy of the New York Times best seller list, scanned it into our computer, and using the same font as the newspaper, typed Chicken Soup for the Soul into the number one position in the “Paperback Advice, How-To and Miscellaneous” category. We printed several copies and hung them up around the office. Less than two years later, our book was the number one book in that category and stayed there for over a year!
Index Cards
We practice a similar discipline every day. We each have a list of about 30-40 goals we are currently working on. We write each goal on a 3x5 index card and keep those cards near our bed and take them with us when we travel. Each morning and each night we go through the stack of cards, one at a time, read the card, close our eyes, see the completion of that goal in its perfect desired state for about 15 seconds, open our eyes and repeat the process with the next card.
Use Affirmations to Support Your Visualization
An affirmation is a statement that evokes not only a picture, but the experience of already having what you want. Here’s an example of an affirmation:
I am happily vacationing 2 months out of the year in a tropical paradise, and working just four days a week owning my own business.
Repeating an affirmation several times a day keeps you focused on your goal, strengthens your motivation, and programs your subconscious by sending an order to your crew to do whatever it takes to make that goal happen.
Expect Results
Through writing down your goals, using the power of visualization and repeating your affirmations, you can achieve amazing results. Visualization and affirmations allow you to change your beliefs, assumptions, and opinions about the most important person in your life — YOU! They allow you to harness the 18 billion brain cells in your brain and get them all working in a singular and purposeful direction.
Your subconscious will become engaged in a process that transforms you forever. The process is invisible and doesn’t take a long time. It just happens over time, as long as you put in the time to visualize and affirm, surround yourself with positive people, read uplifting books and listen to audio programs that flood your mind with positive, life-affirming messages.
Repeat your affirmations every morning and night for a month and they will become an automatic part of your thinking — they will become woven into the very fabric of your being.
© 2006 Jack Canfield
Jack Canfield, America’s Success Coach, is the founder and co-creator of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul and the nation's leading authority on Peak Performance. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at www.JackCanfield.com
Sunday, November 04, 2007
How do You React to Conflict?
We can have several reactions to conflict, depending on what past experiences have taught us:
- Fight fire with fire and answer with more defensiveness, including verbal and physical violence.
- Deny the conflict, hide inside and avoid future conversations on problematic issues.
- Give up and go along with others, forgetting our own interests and finally compromising our souls.
- Decide to get our own way no matter what, and do "passive aggressive resistance" without ever getting to discuss our behavior and its deep motivations and its impact on the other.
- Go the way of skilful negotiations, and learn how to talk about difficult issues with the people we love, and explore different sides of a dispute and get an agreement.
If you have experienced your share of conflict in your life—and who hasn’t? — You may even be afraid of conflict. Perhaps you lost big time when you tried to impose your views on your spouse; or your best friendship ended in sour recriminations that nobody wanted, but nobody could stop.
What is the lesson here?
What did you learn?
Is there another way?
In the future, you may decide to escape; to do anything to avoid another conflict situation: giving in to other’s demands without being satisfied yourself, only to keep the peace; settling for second-best without getting your needs met, and in general taking refuge in a place where you don’t ever have to be bothered with anything related to confrontation, challenge, or friction.
If you adopt this response while in a relationship, the demands of the other person will be seen as intrusive and could lead, on your part, to all kinds of passive aggressive behaviors - sabotage, and self-isolation, to name a few - which will escalate the conflict. You may go deep inside yourself, in fear and mistrust, and refuse to get near other people again, preferring loneliness to anger and mistrust.
Sometimes, people never have learned the necessary skills to assert themselves with respect, to challenge toxic situations or to negotiate their own needs’ satisfaction with others! People never obtained the skills to negotiate with loved ones with little risk to the relationship, and this is the problem here, because now, they don't know what to do. You can see clearly how this terrible lack of skills compounded their loneliness and frustration.
Rremember that all avoidance ways of dealing with conflict will help you stay away from confrontation but will never provide you with the warmth, intimacy and confirmation you are always craving for! Besides, there is no learning of more productive strategies, if you keep avoiding. So, face on and do some positiveconflicting, right?
What is the lesson here?
What did you learn?
Is there another way?
In the future, you may decide to escape; to do anything to avoid another conflict situation: giving in to other’s demands without being satisfied yourself, only to keep the peace; settling for second-best without getting your needs met, and in general taking refuge in a place where you don’t ever have to be bothered with anything related to confrontation, challenge, or friction.
If you adopt this response while in a relationship, the demands of the other person will be seen as intrusive and could lead, on your part, to all kinds of passive aggressive behaviors - sabotage, and self-isolation, to name a few - which will escalate the conflict. You may go deep inside yourself, in fear and mistrust, and refuse to get near other people again, preferring loneliness to anger and mistrust.
Sometimes, people never have learned the necessary skills to assert themselves with respect, to challenge toxic situations or to negotiate their own needs’ satisfaction with others! People never obtained the skills to negotiate with loved ones with little risk to the relationship, and this is the problem here, because now, they don't know what to do. You can see clearly how this terrible lack of skills compounded their loneliness and frustration.
Rremember that all avoidance ways of dealing with conflict will help you stay away from confrontation but will never provide you with the warmth, intimacy and confirmation you are always craving for! Besides, there is no learning of more productive strategies, if you keep avoiding. So, face on and do some positiveconflicting, right?
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Fair Fighting improves Women's chances of avoiding a heart attack
Recent research has shown that our bodies are intertwined with all our emotional states. Our hearts, lungs, stomach and all our internal organs respond to the stress level we experience. Our bodies are faster than the mind to recognize emotional threats in a way that we are not so much aware of, and this can have devastating effects in our health.
What happens when you look for peace and love at home, and you find too many squabbles? You are searching for refuge and find instead constant quarreling with your spouse? Wouldn't it be healthier to be able to go home and find smiling faces and loving companionship? This kind of home will give your health a boost, and make your heart sing with joy.
We need to say that couple fights are inevitable given that both parties, male and female need to start a fight sometimes when in need of refreshing the connection and companionship, and to keep the relationship growing. But fighting without skills can do a lot of damage to your health and your relationship. It's the quality of the fighting the factor that matters in preventing unhealthy consequences.
There is the special case of marital conflict when one partner shows a propensity to yell, scream and blame the other person.
And if the partner tries to redress this issue, the response they get is not a good conversation about "what do we need to do now to improve", but more blaming, accusations, bad temper and either sulking or complete withdrawal.
Up until now, we knew that this was the making of a very unhappy relationship, like in this case:
"I find him sometimes lying about the littlest things, blaming everyone but himself for any kind of problems, and picking arguments when unnecessary. I know he loves me and I love him dearly but I need to find a way I can deal with this behavior that is putting such a severe strain on our relationship. What are some ways that I can converse and tackle this behavior in a constructive way rather than accepting either the constant fights and blaming myself for everything or finally silencing myself just to keep the peace?"
If you are like this person, you have two choices: either challenge and protest, and be considered "too aggressive" or shut up. Is this response, the silenced choice that seems to be the easy way out, to stop the aggression and endless recrimination, the one you would use?
When women make the decision to be silent, they are choosing the short way out to protect themselves from a sad situation, and it also signals that they have given up the hope to be treated with respect. Giving up your right to be respected is so stressful that affects women making them more vulnerable to heart attacks.
Now we know more about the price women pay for "keeping the peace by self-silencing": studies led by Dana Crowley Jack [1], a professor of interdisciplinary studies at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Wash., have linked the self-silencing trait to numerous psychological and physical health risks, including depression, eating disorders and heart disease.
The way the couple interacted was as important a heart risk factor as whether they smoked or had high cholesterol. And the main factor observed in the interactions was the degree in which the wife would silence herself to keep the peace. How often couples fight or what they fight about usually doesn't matter!
Instead, it's the quality of the interactions between male and female, and how they react to and resolve conflict that appear to make a meaningful difference in the health of the marriage and the health of the couple. The main difference in the quality of a marital fight is if it is done with respect for the other's opinions or not. The quality of the interaction hinges on the mutual respect they can show for each other, even in the heat of an argument.
Knowing this fact, is easy to realize that the silenced party is missing a strong sense of self. By choosing to be silent, they are repressing their legitimate needs to a point where in the end, they will be so repressed as to be forgotten.
Arguing is, of course, an inevitable part of married life. Both sides need to express what their expectations are, and what makes them happy…..if one side chooses silence, it becomes a losing game, because there is no way this person will get any satisfaction. Their partners are forced to be mind readers, and whatever they could offer, it will be seen in a dubious way.
But behaviors that control, diminish and humiliate one's partner take a heavy toll on health. Women who didn't speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt, according to the July report in Psychosomatic Medicine. SO, you need to seriously consider learning self-assertion and fair fighting skills!
There is an e-book providing a whole set of self-defensive strategies for managing an abusive situation, and also teaching couples how to do fair fighting at www.passiveaggresive.com. Nora Femenia, Ph.D. is the author, offering a free initial coaching session at www.norafemenia.com
[1] Dana Crowley Jack Silencing the self: Women and depression . Cambridge, Ma: Harvard University Press, 1991.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Focusing the mind on the positive
We all go through some tough times in life, that’s just life; it can’t always be a bed of roses, if we are going to learn and grow up.
However life is the total sum of your experiences, its meaning being what you make of it. The frame you use to understand your own experiences is the most important aspect of them. If you call them “learning experiences” the results will be different than if you call them “repetitive failures…”
It even gets worst when you go ahead and judge yourself in the most negative way possible, because then you are behaving like your worst enemy!
If you have this negative habit of framing your own actions in a very critical way, what happens when you go through some bad times? You tend to blame yourself, of course! It doesn’t help you find the best solution, which is what you should be doing….but keeps you repeating whatever your family did to you in the past! Yes, it’s a terrible deal, but at least we are in familiar territory, right?
Staying positive means that you see whatever happens with a frame that is compassionate to yourself. You know that you are learning, so every experience has a lesson for you, and you are here to take it!
If this more positive frame works for the good times, through the bad times it can make all the difference and can get you through the tough times with a smile.
Let’s go over on the basics of having a positive frame to make sense of your own actions. The first step is to have an honest look at the phrases you hear in your head all the time, identify them and ask yourself: whose voice is it? Many times you will recognize the voice of someone important in your childhood, mainly your parents. Then, now is the time to say: “Thanks mom for your opinion, but I prefer to see this situation as something better.”
Then, you begin peeling away at the negative propositions that your head offers you. The purpose is to transform an automatic process into a conscious one. It takes more or less one month of constant awareness to be able to replace old inherited negative frames with more functional ones….so begin working now.
But the big question is “how do you stay positive when things get tough?” Staying upbeat at times of trial is the last thing on your mind, but it should be the first, because you need to think positively now more than ever.
The key to staying positive is to detach your mind off your problems and worries, take a step aside asking yourself: “in what other perspective can I perceive this situation”? Or “what can be learned from this”?
Re-energizing your mind is especially appropriate when you are having a bad day and you would tend to feel sorry for yourself and want to sit down and cry. Well, you need to remember that it’s your choice! Frame the painful situation as your present learning opportunity, identify what you need to learn from it and move on!
You will enjoy the NEW COACHING PROGRAM, offered to help you recover your life purpose and go about your life with the best possible self-image.
Ask for the coaching FREE session offered at http://www.norafemenia.com/ , where there is skilled Life Coaching available for different personal areas in need of growth. It is designed for women needing to transform their lives, or for any person needing to change imprisoning negative self-images. Ask NOW for your FREE ebook: Embracing and healing your inner child!http://www.norafemenia.com/coaching
However life is the total sum of your experiences, its meaning being what you make of it. The frame you use to understand your own experiences is the most important aspect of them. If you call them “learning experiences” the results will be different than if you call them “repetitive failures…”
It even gets worst when you go ahead and judge yourself in the most negative way possible, because then you are behaving like your worst enemy!
If you have this negative habit of framing your own actions in a very critical way, what happens when you go through some bad times? You tend to blame yourself, of course! It doesn’t help you find the best solution, which is what you should be doing….but keeps you repeating whatever your family did to you in the past! Yes, it’s a terrible deal, but at least we are in familiar territory, right?
Staying positive means that you see whatever happens with a frame that is compassionate to yourself. You know that you are learning, so every experience has a lesson for you, and you are here to take it!
If this more positive frame works for the good times, through the bad times it can make all the difference and can get you through the tough times with a smile.
Let’s go over on the basics of having a positive frame to make sense of your own actions. The first step is to have an honest look at the phrases you hear in your head all the time, identify them and ask yourself: whose voice is it? Many times you will recognize the voice of someone important in your childhood, mainly your parents. Then, now is the time to say: “Thanks mom for your opinion, but I prefer to see this situation as something better.”
Then, you begin peeling away at the negative propositions that your head offers you. The purpose is to transform an automatic process into a conscious one. It takes more or less one month of constant awareness to be able to replace old inherited negative frames with more functional ones….so begin working now.
But the big question is “how do you stay positive when things get tough?” Staying upbeat at times of trial is the last thing on your mind, but it should be the first, because you need to think positively now more than ever.
The key to staying positive is to detach your mind off your problems and worries, take a step aside asking yourself: “in what other perspective can I perceive this situation”? Or “what can be learned from this”?
Re-energizing your mind is especially appropriate when you are having a bad day and you would tend to feel sorry for yourself and want to sit down and cry. Well, you need to remember that it’s your choice! Frame the painful situation as your present learning opportunity, identify what you need to learn from it and move on!
You will enjoy the NEW COACHING PROGRAM, offered to help you recover your life purpose and go about your life with the best possible self-image.
Ask for the coaching FREE session offered at http://www.norafemenia.com/ , where there is skilled Life Coaching available for different personal areas in need of growth. It is designed for women needing to transform their lives, or for any person needing to change imprisoning negative self-images. Ask NOW for your FREE ebook: Embracing and healing your inner child!http://www.norafemenia.com/coaching
Friday, June 01, 2007
The Importance of Recognition
This skill focuses on the ability to appreciate the positive aspects of everything around you: and if you are in a relationship, all that concerns your partner. Instead of having a perception of a glass half empty, you should instead focus on the "glass half full."It takes sustained practice, because all of us have been educated with a critical view. If you are an engineer doing a project, this is a very critical skill, because keeps you apprised of what can go wrong and derail the project.
So, you are as good as you can be very critical, focusing on what needs improvement.
But with people in relationships, it is the other way around: as much as you focus on the negative aspects of your partner and try to begin the project of "improving him or her" the more the other person feels not accepted and evaluated in a negative manner.
You are in a relationship to support and enhance the positive aspects of your partner. In a sense, you have chosen each other because we all want and need someone else who can be for us "warts and all;" who can accept and appreciate all of our aspects. This kind of attitude is generally called love.
Remember that whatever you focus on, tends to take center stage: if you focus on a negative trait of your partner, like her tendency to be late for appointments and dates, then this trait will become prevalent and it will negate the perception of other positive traits that attracted you to her before. So, let's begin:
- Every time you need to talk about some changes needed, begin recollecting the good things done;
- Try to find a positive thing to comment on daily;
- Don't you dare to mention negative aspects without talking about how good the positive ones are, first.
- If the results are awful, praise the good intention;
- Be very creative and find unexpected aspects to praise: a busy person that accomplishes everything could be praised for her constant smile, or his good disposition even along the busiest day;
- Don't be mean, don't link praise with immediate critique: "you did well, but forgot this part." In this case, the "but" will cancel the praise. The two propositions don't need to be linked.
Apply this techniques for a while and you will see a change in the quality of your relationship, having more trust, and pleasure in the mutual company.
If you care to improve the way you feel in company, and wish to make
other people feel happy with you, this small effort in applying positive conflicts skills will be very productive.
Eager to learn more? Do you need encouragement, practical ideas, even coaching to apply those suggestions in your own life?
www.positiveconflicts.com
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Relationships & Disputes: It’s your attitude that counts!
Every relationship will have its share of conflicts, disagreements and arguments – and that’s normal! What is essential is the right personal attitude towards managing the confrontations… we are either scared into answering with a strong attack as defense, or frozen in fear.
For some people, disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the elationship is flawed, or that we are more flawed than we thought before!
They are afraid of the noise, the raw feelings, the way it can end….nobody has shown us how to have a difficult conversation with someone offended or angry with us, in a caring and productive way! So, as we keep imagining happy endings by magic, we are left with the weak hope that “this time, because we are in love, everything will be all right.” This is waiting on magic, or on divine intervention… without learning some good conflict resolution skills to deal with disagreements with the person you need the most, you are in risk of a sad disappointment!
Overall, the biggest roadblock is not differences of opinion, but attitudes. Look at this big contrast:
PERSON A: sniffing some upset on the loved one, and not willing to receive complaints or critiques, hurries to be very busy, leaving in a cloud of dust. All requests about: “do you have a little time to talk” are answered in the way out with “sorry, hon, perhaps this week end, I gotta go now.”
PERSON B: equally realizing that there is storm in the air, because of door slamming and long, sudden silences, decides to confront, and asks: “I see that something is bothering you….when do you feel like talking, let me know. It can be just now or any time you prefer.”
Person B is showing that she or he is not blind, that the “we are disconnected” message is received and someone is taking charge of building bridges. This is the attitude that you need to navigate the differences in a relationship: “I promise that, even when I don’t always understand, I will be there to listen and try to make sense of what happens with my best effort. In this way, I show that I care about us, and our relationship.”
The secret here is to acknowledge that your attitude is a reflection of the worth you place on yourself and your partner. If you have been educated to dismiss your deeper needs, then you will deny the satisfaction of those needs in your partner. If you value the feeling of being understood and appreciated by your loved one, then this is the attitude you want to have…At the least, there is something you can do to prevent miscommunication and anger build up and destroy your connection!
Negative attitudes towards relationship problems are shaped by unresolved anger and resentment from the past.
When a caring attitude is combined with effective communication, the road to healthy conflict management is all downhill... facing conflict even becomes something to laugh about: “How are we going to manage the new fight?”
“What complaints can we come up with, each more sophisticated than the last, to conceal my daily need: I need you to appreciate me every day?”
Is this the way you want to go?
If you would you like to learn more about the positive conflicting attitude that can save your relationship and your sanity, visit http://www.positiveconflicts.com/ now. And learn more about strategies to heal your relationship from conflict!
For some people, disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the elationship is flawed, or that we are more flawed than we thought before!
They are afraid of the noise, the raw feelings, the way it can end….nobody has shown us how to have a difficult conversation with someone offended or angry with us, in a caring and productive way! So, as we keep imagining happy endings by magic, we are left with the weak hope that “this time, because we are in love, everything will be all right.” This is waiting on magic, or on divine intervention… without learning some good conflict resolution skills to deal with disagreements with the person you need the most, you are in risk of a sad disappointment!
Overall, the biggest roadblock is not differences of opinion, but attitudes. Look at this big contrast:
PERSON A: sniffing some upset on the loved one, and not willing to receive complaints or critiques, hurries to be very busy, leaving in a cloud of dust. All requests about: “do you have a little time to talk” are answered in the way out with “sorry, hon, perhaps this week end, I gotta go now.”
PERSON B: equally realizing that there is storm in the air, because of door slamming and long, sudden silences, decides to confront, and asks: “I see that something is bothering you….when do you feel like talking, let me know. It can be just now or any time you prefer.”
Person B is showing that she or he is not blind, that the “we are disconnected” message is received and someone is taking charge of building bridges. This is the attitude that you need to navigate the differences in a relationship: “I promise that, even when I don’t always understand, I will be there to listen and try to make sense of what happens with my best effort. In this way, I show that I care about us, and our relationship.”
The secret here is to acknowledge that your attitude is a reflection of the worth you place on yourself and your partner. If you have been educated to dismiss your deeper needs, then you will deny the satisfaction of those needs in your partner. If you value the feeling of being understood and appreciated by your loved one, then this is the attitude you want to have…At the least, there is something you can do to prevent miscommunication and anger build up and destroy your connection!
Negative attitudes towards relationship problems are shaped by unresolved anger and resentment from the past.
When a caring attitude is combined with effective communication, the road to healthy conflict management is all downhill... facing conflict even becomes something to laugh about: “How are we going to manage the new fight?”
“What complaints can we come up with, each more sophisticated than the last, to conceal my daily need: I need you to appreciate me every day?”
Is this the way you want to go?
If you would you like to learn more about the positive conflicting attitude that can save your relationship and your sanity, visit http://www.positiveconflicts.com/ now. And learn more about strategies to heal your relationship from conflict!
Monday, May 14, 2007
6 Keys to Understand Relationships & Fighting
Probably the vast majority of what you have learned until today about resolving conflicts wasn't very successful. Conflicts are often handled in two main ways: either to avoid or to confront and both were yielding very poor results. We need to learn other ways to manage conflict in such a way that we can come out of it enriched, with a sense of growing ability, and experiencing a stronger bond with the other person, born out of reciprocal satisfaction of both our needs.In short, there are several concepts that I want you to consider.
Let’s go though them one by one, and watch your reactions to each:
1.- Conflict, as part of any relationship, is inevitable. All relationships have to include some understandings on how to process confrontations. If you two are not fighting, then one of you is repressing his or her needs and it blow up sooner or later.
2.- If we care about something, it will appear as part of a discussion, because it is an important part of who we are….our dreams, our values. It shows that you are alive, and that you care.
3.- It’s a call for attention to discover where our relationship hurts. If you decide to give the disputed thing away, (to be left alone) you are not looking carefully at the relationship behind the dispute! Or you did ignore the early signs, because you feel that you don’t have any skills.
4.- Each discussion helps you see better what you want…So, if you are confused about some issue, go and have a fight about it with your spouse, and it will become clear! If you have an agreement before it happens (“Honey, every now and then, when I’m itching for a fight, please, could you go along? You don’t need to defend yourself, or be offended by what I say, only listen and let me vent…it will be OK very soon, but I need this!”)
5.- When you recover your senses, she will have a lot of very funny stories to share with you, so you can learn how others see you! Isn’t it fun?
6.- There are strategies for resolution that are available and DO work. Even when forced to fight, you can always fight fair, and send a powerful message.
So, now, it’s time for you to be grateful because you have your share of conflicts in your love relationship, through which you can learn about yourself and grow, right?
We will never know what we can do without challenge and opposition. We will never develop new skills if sheer necessity does not force us to do so. In short, without necessary conflict, we will never grow up.
When you engage others in positive conflict, you are telling them that he/she is important enough for you to invest some energy in improving the relationship, by challenging the sore points in it. You are giving others a big compliment by having a positive conflict with them!
Doing positive conflict is having the courage to confront others in order to change a hurting situation and find a better, more inclusive agreement, which will benefit both of you. This is the key here: the search for a mutually acceptable solution, doing a respectful process that answers both sides’ needs.
This is just the beginning. Once you see that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing, you can start exploring the techniques that will allow you to use conflict as a way to strengthen relationships.
To your healthy relationships!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Discover Why 99% of Disputes in a Relationship are not what you think they are
We all understand how challenging arguments or even simple differences of opinion can be in relationships. People get very afraid of confrontation, and use any pretext to hide from the actual heart of the dispute. Many will quickly resort to asking for a lawyer’s help, hoping the professional will spare them the nasty interaction they are trying to avoid.Every relationship will have its share of conflicts, disagreements and arguments – and that’s normal! What is missing is our personal attitude towards managing the confrontations… we are either scared into answering with a strong attack as defense, or frozen in fear.
For some people, disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the relationship is flawed, or that we are more flawed than we thought before!
And then, we are left with the weak hope that “this time, because we are in love, everything will be all right.” This is waiting on magic, or on divine intervention… without learning some good conflict resolution skills to deal with disagreements with a loved one, you are in risk of a sad disappointment!
It doesn’t have to be so! Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to open up and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this hidden need for confrontation.
Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is it so essential to our self-esteem?
Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other. That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave!
Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one…..Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.
Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about….
How does it compare? No way!
Our hidden needs are pushing our daily actions, everywhere….if you get to understand this simple fact, then a whole perspective opens up….If you see someone embroiled in a big, fiery dispute, you can think: what is this person lacking just now? And how can you provide exactly that?
One big advantage in the provision of symbolic goods, like affection, is that you move away from money or expensive things, and have at hand a whole set of new “carrots” to reward people! And people around us are craving those symbolic rewards: appreciation, recognition, support…. Why is this so difficult to remember each and every day, while dealing with others?
Now, you know….
Apply this techniques and it will be easy for you to deal with confrontations.
Give appreciation, be nice from the start, and listen.
And, if you want to know how to get recognition from others, check the Fair Fighting techniques chapter of the Positive Conflicts eBook at http://www.positiveconflicts.com/
6 Keys to Understand Relationships & Fighting
Probably the vast majority of what you have learned until today about resolving conflicts wasn't very successful. Conflicts are often handled in two main ways: either to avoid or to confront and both were yielding very poor results. We need to learn other ways to manage conflict in such a way that we can come out of it enriched, with a sense of growing ability, and experiencing a stronger bond with the other person, born out of reciprocal satisfaction of both our needs.
In short, there are several concepts that I want you to consider.
Let’s go though them one by one, and watch your reactions to each:
1.- Conflict, as part of any relationship, is inevitable. All relationships have to include some understandings on how to process confrontations. If you two are not fighting, then one of you is repressing his or her needs and it blow up sooner or later.
2.- If we care about something, it will appear as part of a discussion, because it is an important part of who we are….our dreams, our values. It shows that you are alive, and that you care.
3.- It’s a call for attention to discover where our relationship hurts. If you decide to give the disputed thing away, (to be left alone) you are not looking carefully at the relationship behind the dispute! Or you did ignore the early signs, because you feel that you don’t have any skills.
4.- Each discussion helps you see better what you want…So, if you are confused about some issue, go and have a fight about it with your spouse, and it will become clear! If you have an agreement before it happens (“Honey, every now and then, when I’m itching for a fight, please, could you go along? You don’t need to defend yourself, or be offended by what I say, only listen and let me vent…it will be OK very soon, but I need this!”)
5.- When you recover your senses, she will have a lot of very funny stories to share with you, so you can learn how others see you! Isn’t it fun?
6.- There are strategies for resolution that are available and DO work. Even when forced to fight, you can always fight fair, and send a powerful message.
So, now, it’s time for you to be grateful because you have your share of conflicts in your love relationship, through which you can learn about yourself and grow, right?
We will never know what we can do without challenge and opposition. We will never develop new skills if sheer necessity does not force us to do so. In short, without necessary conflict, we will never grow up.
When you engage others in positive conflict, you are telling them that he/she is important enough for you to invest some energy in improving the relationship, by challenging the sore points in it. You are giving others a big compliment by having a positive conflict with them!
Doing positive conflict is having the courage to confront others in order to change a hurting situation and find a better, more inclusive agreement, which will benefit both of you. This is the key here: the search for a mutually acceptable solution, doing a respectful process that answers both sides’ needs.
This is just the beginning. Once you see that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing, you can start exploring the techniques that will allow you to use conflict as a way to strengthen relationships.
To your healthy relationships!
In short, there are several concepts that I want you to consider.
Let’s go though them one by one, and watch your reactions to each:
1.- Conflict, as part of any relationship, is inevitable. All relationships have to include some understandings on how to process confrontations. If you two are not fighting, then one of you is repressing his or her needs and it blow up sooner or later.
2.- If we care about something, it will appear as part of a discussion, because it is an important part of who we are….our dreams, our values. It shows that you are alive, and that you care.
3.- It’s a call for attention to discover where our relationship hurts. If you decide to give the disputed thing away, (to be left alone) you are not looking carefully at the relationship behind the dispute! Or you did ignore the early signs, because you feel that you don’t have any skills.
4.- Each discussion helps you see better what you want…So, if you are confused about some issue, go and have a fight about it with your spouse, and it will become clear! If you have an agreement before it happens (“Honey, every now and then, when I’m itching for a fight, please, could you go along? You don’t need to defend yourself, or be offended by what I say, only listen and let me vent…it will be OK very soon, but I need this!”)
5.- When you recover your senses, she will have a lot of very funny stories to share with you, so you can learn how others see you! Isn’t it fun?
6.- There are strategies for resolution that are available and DO work. Even when forced to fight, you can always fight fair, and send a powerful message.
So, now, it’s time for you to be grateful because you have your share of conflicts in your love relationship, through which you can learn about yourself and grow, right?
We will never know what we can do without challenge and opposition. We will never develop new skills if sheer necessity does not force us to do so. In short, without necessary conflict, we will never grow up.
When you engage others in positive conflict, you are telling them that he/she is important enough for you to invest some energy in improving the relationship, by challenging the sore points in it. You are giving others a big compliment by having a positive conflict with them!
Doing positive conflict is having the courage to confront others in order to change a hurting situation and find a better, more inclusive agreement, which will benefit both of you. This is the key here: the search for a mutually acceptable solution, doing a respectful process that answers both sides’ needs.
This is just the beginning. Once you see that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing, you can start exploring the techniques that will allow you to use conflict as a way to strengthen relationships.
To your healthy relationships!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
You Need To Turn the Heat on when…
| Life confronts you with situations like this: When people feel upset, dissatisfied, ignored or simply sad, what we need to do is focus on:
You can decide that you would like to confront, of course! Plan ahead: to be able to confront effectively, you need to pinpoint precisely what is upsetting you; how such behavior is affecting you, and the negative consequences of such behavior on your plans, time, money, and energy, whatever. It takes a little practice to be able to describe what happened in neutral terms, though, because it means controlling your negative feelings. Ready? Here you have a three-step process:
Following this three-step method, you will be able to confront in a peaceful way, without having to deny yourself or your perceptions….Know how to escalate safely, and refuse to allow misunderstandings that are hurting you both. Clean your relationship from dark areas that are not only frustrating but also not conducive to good, positive interactions. "How can we do things in a different way next time?" To find more, easy steps to improve your relationship Go to: http://www.positiveconflicts.com You can be reading a complete set of tips like this one, in just a few minutes. Have a great new life, with new conflict skills! | ||
Monday, June 26, 2006
How a Technique From a Dolphin Trainer can Help Your Marriage?
Be warned this article is written from a female perspective, but the techniques are gender neutral. What is clever is those behaviours that we re-discover in animals are 100% human too. And with some common sense they could be applied to our daily life.
What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage - New York Times: "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage
By AMY SUTHERLAND
AS I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. 'Have you seen my keys?' he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset.
In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, 'Don't worry, they'll turn up.' But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog.
Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer."
What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage - New York Times: "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage
By AMY SUTHERLAND
AS I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. 'Have you seen my keys?' he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset.
In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, 'Don't worry, they'll turn up.' But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog.
Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer."
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
About Responsability
Many times we hide behind excuses, and we try to avoid our responsibility for where we are in this life.
If you think that you are a victim of your past, just remember that no matter how bad that was, you are the only master of your future. Stack the cards in your favor and start acting towards your goals.
Learn the skills that you need to succeed at work at
FRACAT - Free Resume and Career Toolbox :
"NEWSFLASH: Nobody cares why your skills are out of date. It's up to you (and only you) to make sure that you've got the skills to compete in a modern labor market."
Saturday, April 08, 2006
What kind of future is possible for this relationship?
I know you are frustrated by the amount of work needed by recognizing and managing the PA person’s passivity and hidden anger. If all this is not enough work, now you need to be aware of your second task, as important as the first and it is to take care of yourself.
Women need to confront a romantic assumption that is so common: we believe in solidarity, and in taking care of each other. If you try to be non judgmental with him, accepting him for who he is, angry or not, then it should be obvious that you can and should expect reciprocity from your partner. It is difficult to say if, and when you will receive his acceptance and recognition. Whatever is the reason for his anger, and whatever is your generous attitude without limits, nobody knows how long will take for him to be able to see you as a person with genuine needs.
As he continues acting out on his needs, his rage can appear directed towards you, even when it has no reason to be so. We are dealing with feelings rooted in his childhood, not in actual situations which could be better managed with respect and restraint.
A good lesson for him is to identify who is he angry with (his mother, his boss, etc) and do something to solve the anger-provoking situation, instead of taking it out on you.
Your solution is to find a compromise between setting limits to his anger to protect yourself without censoring the anger. Setting limits to his hostile behavior will protect you and the relationship.
How do you do it? With a “feelings report:”
“When you do… (mention here the behavior) I feel ……(offended, hurt, humiliated, etc), because……(mention the effect on you).
“When you decide to be angry with me in the party we went together, and stop talking to me the entire night, I feel very sad and lonely because it was like, being invisible.”
If done with the right attitude, emotionally secure, not upset, but calmly, it will serve to bridge the distance between the PA person and you.
First: it serves you, because by describing his behavior you are more able to understand what is happening, beyond your own confused emotions. You can stop feeling induced guilt and see exactly what is going on, so letting him know of this impact, thus he can react towards the real consequences of his actions on you.
Keep your right to confront him, because this is a necessary part of being in a relationship with him. Remember, this is a person who uses snide reflections, blaming, and withdrawn attitudes as normal communication tools.
If you allow his treatment to continue and do not confront him about it, you can end up being blamed for everything, even about things that his mother did to him thirty five years ago! Remember that part of his attempted deal is to make you end up described as the “bad person” and him representing himself as someone’s victim, in this case yours.
How do you protect yourself from a person who always describes himself as victimized by others (including you)? Let’s not talk here about your emotional pain at watching your loving attitudes thwarted by this “misery interpretation,” which attributes always nasty reasons to whatever you do to him. Keep focusing instead on the fact that you are not his mother, or any other person, but his partner, and both are in a mutual, reciprocal relationship.
You need to manage your anger, or guilt or whatever he prompts you to feel. If you were not a violent person before knowing him but now find yourself frequently exasperated, this is a warning signal that he is getting you off center. Do whatever is necessary (meditation, support groups, having a counselor or a coach, talk to friends) to get back to your emotional balance before him.
It takes a lot of effort being clear about your emotions, understanding the impact of his PA behavior on you, all the while bringing him back to the subject that concerns you in a way slightly casual or relaxed, so he can hear you.
Remember all the time: you are dealing with three jobs here:
a) balancing his personal, individual emotional demands
b) preserving the relationship by talking and discussing issues that need clarification and improvement
c) taking care of and nurturing yourself.
Do you want to regain the power to be happy in a good relationship?
How could you get more support?
There is a wealth of ideas, comments and support in
www.passiveaggresive.com
Claim your FREE COACHING SESSION from Coach Nora , www.norafemenia.com
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Four Ways of Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior while keeping your sanity!
Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior while keeping your sanity!
How can you pursue this relationship without being hurt?
Here is a short list of indicators to keep you aware of what is going on:
1.- The hidden anger aspect:
Passive Aggressive people carry a lot of repressed anger from their childhood, now projected on the people around them. It appears as sarcastic comments, derisive opinions and blaming other people.
Llook at the annoying behavior as 'behavior done with an impact on me'.
Recognize your emotions: is it anger? or disappointment? and remain calm and poised. Control your own breathing. Don't let him get the best of you. PA people begin to win when the shouting starts and you become defensive and angry at their inconsiderate behavior.
Instead, describe his behavior, and then talk about how it creates a problem. For instance, you might say, 'When we are discussing something and you make a sarcastic remark, it blocks the conversation and then I'm not able to tell you what you're really asking. It would be helpful to me if you would tell me directly what you're thinking and feeling. That way, I can respond and perhaps we can even make things better.'
Read the Full article at:Four Ways of Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior while keeping your sanity!
How can you pursue this relationship without being hurt?
Here is a short list of indicators to keep you aware of what is going on:
1.- The hidden anger aspect:
Passive Aggressive people carry a lot of repressed anger from their childhood, now projected on the people around them. It appears as sarcastic comments, derisive opinions and blaming other people.
Llook at the annoying behavior as 'behavior done with an impact on me'.
Recognize your emotions: is it anger? or disappointment? and remain calm and poised. Control your own breathing. Don't let him get the best of you. PA people begin to win when the shouting starts and you become defensive and angry at their inconsiderate behavior.
Instead, describe his behavior, and then talk about how it creates a problem. For instance, you might say, 'When we are discussing something and you make a sarcastic remark, it blocks the conversation and then I'm not able to tell you what you're really asking. It would be helpful to me if you would tell me directly what you're thinking and feeling. That way, I can respond and perhaps we can even make things better.'
Read the Full article at:Four Ways of Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior while keeping your sanity!
Monday, February 06, 2006
Individual Responsibility
I found this site very challenging as it goes against my current (should I say past) point of view. What it strike me, is the clear message of 'Take Responsibility' that it delivers.
Individual Responsibility: "I am thirty-five years old, but have only recently learned the lessons of Individual Responsibility. For most of my life, I've blamed others (family, employers, politicians) for my problems, and I've been very unhappy most of the time. But have finally come to accept that I am responsible for my life and my happiness, and that has resulted in a dramatic improvement in my self-confidence and sense of well-being.Here is a summary of what I've accepted:
* I am responsible for my own emotions. Others may do bad things to me, and may even hurt me, but if I let it eat me up inside, the blame rests with me.
* I am responsible for my own economic security. TheyCanFireMe, but if I am not prepared for that, it is my fault for not planning ahead.
* I am responsible for my own career. If an employer is not providing me with the opportunities I want, or is mistreating me in some way, I can JustLeave. If nobody wants to hire me, it is up to me to make myself more hire-able, or to create a job for myself.
* If I don't like the way things are, it is my responsibility to seek out or accept leadership roles so that I can change things. I don't expect anyone else to accept my suggestions and implement them.
from The Self Improvement Pattern Wiki
The power and strength to transform your life are inside you, waiting for your command.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Preventing Negative Emotions from Blowing Up Your Relationships
Negative emotions should be left out as much as possible from your interactions, by denying or repressing them. (This is a short term strategy, but in the long term is preferable to manage those emotions in a different way).
Now, you can let them dissipate without hurt, by following the following Steps:
a) Stop escalation, and ask for time off, if you can’t control your rage.
See if you can identify not the anger, (you know already that you are furious) but the hurt feelings underneath…. Pain is the other side of the coin of anger. Say: 'I’m sorry, this issue affects me and I need time to cool off…'
b) Express how it hurts, with the emphasis on you.
I statements begin as: 'When you do this to me, I feel hurt because…'
Avoid blaming, and keep talking about the effects of that behavior on you….
Be concise: it hurts me because I lose sleep, or security or money if you do this behavior.
c) If the conversation escalates into angry words, you can de-escalate by talking about how much the relationship, your mutual project or whatever you have in common is suffering.
Why is it necessary to process emotions?
It is better than repressing, and allows them to dissipate, after fulfilling the purpose of alerting us about something to be changed. Acknowledging that an issue is irritant, toxic or abrasive in a matter of fact way, without blaming anybody, is the best ways of processing those emotions without letting them block our daily life.
NORA FEMENIA
This suggestions and techniques included in the path designed by the Relational Conflict Mastery Program offered by www.positiveconflicts.com
Ask for your FREE coaching session at www.norafemenia.com, It is specialy designed for for individuals experiencing high levels of inter-personal conflict, or also for individuals fearing incoming rounds of negotiations and deal making with angry opponents (from ex-spouses to other enemies.)
Now, you can let them dissipate without hurt, by following the following Steps:
a) Stop escalation, and ask for time off, if you can’t control your rage.
See if you can identify not the anger, (you know already that you are furious) but the hurt feelings underneath…. Pain is the other side of the coin of anger. Say: 'I’m sorry, this issue affects me and I need time to cool off…'
b) Express how it hurts, with the emphasis on you.
I statements begin as: 'When you do this to me, I feel hurt because…'
Avoid blaming, and keep talking about the effects of that behavior on you….
Be concise: it hurts me because I lose sleep, or security or money if you do this behavior.
c) If the conversation escalates into angry words, you can de-escalate by talking about how much the relationship, your mutual project or whatever you have in common is suffering.
Why is it necessary to process emotions?
It is better than repressing, and allows them to dissipate, after fulfilling the purpose of alerting us about something to be changed. Acknowledging that an issue is irritant, toxic or abrasive in a matter of fact way, without blaming anybody, is the best ways of processing those emotions without letting them block our daily life.
NORA FEMENIA
This suggestions and techniques included in the path designed by the Relational Conflict Mastery Program offered by www.positiveconflicts.com
Ask for your FREE coaching session at www.norafemenia.com, It is specialy designed for for individuals experiencing high levels of inter-personal conflict, or also for individuals fearing incoming rounds of negotiations and deal making with angry opponents (from ex-spouses to other enemies.)
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Too many conflicts in your life now?
Have you ever found yourself thinking something like this string of thoughts?:
“This person is yelling at me, like she is attacking me, so she must be against me, so she is my enemy. If this person is my enemy, then, by definition, she is incapable of change and improvement, and is undeserving of trust and respect, now and forever. I have to defend myself against this person, who will always be violent and aggressive towards me. And if she does this to me, she will do it to others. Let’s rally Others against her!”
Well, this is the basic Conflict Frame, where we destroy others in self-defense and end up lonely and feared. When relationships are challenging, and you feel alone battling against others, focus on regaining some control over emotional chaos. You have the power of reframing the way you position yourself in interpersonal disputes, so not to give in to this destructive Conflict frame, or “me against the world” attitude.
The first step that your Conflict Coach would invite you to do is to take a deep breath and suspend the usual thoughts about being “a victim attacked by others” (spouse, boss, world, etc). This is the usual story that we tell ourselves: how we are in the right and the others are unjust, aggressive, etc toward us. Try to position yourself in an intermediary position, and look at you, your behavior and attitudes in a neutral way, while reflecting on the other side from the same neutral view.
The steps taking charge of the situation are:
1. Avoid defining yourself as the only victim:
Both sides have a valid story to tell; all depends where from you see the picture. Both are victims and aggressors, in different ways.
Ask the basic question:
Why this conflict appears now in my life?
You will regain ownership of your side of the conflict, and understand why you are inside it. Is it because it helps to hide other problems you don’t want to see?
No fight is Armageddon, yet, so don’t give your personal squabble more importance than it has. It’s only a dispute, so lower its importance and don’t let it take over the rest of your life. With perspective, you can even laugh at watching yourself in this movie, doing the same things as in all other personal movies….. Has this kind of dispute happened before? Do you find yourself always dealing with people with the same characteristics? Why do you need to have it played all over again?
Best wishes,
Nora Femenia, Ph.D.
Conflict Coaching
http://www.norafemenia.com
Call (954) 568-3620 now to schedule your FREE 15-minute interview.
I look forward to hearing from you and finding out how Conflict Coaching can empower your life!
“This person is yelling at me, like she is attacking me, so she must be against me, so she is my enemy. If this person is my enemy, then, by definition, she is incapable of change and improvement, and is undeserving of trust and respect, now and forever. I have to defend myself against this person, who will always be violent and aggressive towards me. And if she does this to me, she will do it to others. Let’s rally Others against her!”
Well, this is the basic Conflict Frame, where we destroy others in self-defense and end up lonely and feared. When relationships are challenging, and you feel alone battling against others, focus on regaining some control over emotional chaos. You have the power of reframing the way you position yourself in interpersonal disputes, so not to give in to this destructive Conflict frame, or “me against the world” attitude.
The first step that your Conflict Coach would invite you to do is to take a deep breath and suspend the usual thoughts about being “a victim attacked by others” (spouse, boss, world, etc). This is the usual story that we tell ourselves: how we are in the right and the others are unjust, aggressive, etc toward us. Try to position yourself in an intermediary position, and look at you, your behavior and attitudes in a neutral way, while reflecting on the other side from the same neutral view.
The steps taking charge of the situation are:
1. Avoid defining yourself as the only victim:
Both sides have a valid story to tell; all depends where from you see the picture. Both are victims and aggressors, in different ways.
Ask the basic question:
Why this conflict appears now in my life?
You will regain ownership of your side of the conflict, and understand why you are inside it. Is it because it helps to hide other problems you don’t want to see?
No fight is Armageddon, yet, so don’t give your personal squabble more importance than it has. It’s only a dispute, so lower its importance and don’t let it take over the rest of your life. With perspective, you can even laugh at watching yourself in this movie, doing the same things as in all other personal movies….. Has this kind of dispute happened before? Do you find yourself always dealing with people with the same characteristics? Why do you need to have it played all over again?
Best wishes,
Nora Femenia, Ph.D.
Conflict Coaching
http://www.norafemenia.com
Call (954) 568-3620 now to schedule your FREE 15-minute interview.
I look forward to hearing from you and finding out how Conflict Coaching can empower your life!
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