Why do couples fight?

Why do couples fight?

Marital squabbles can be over lots of things:

· Control struggles (who's in charge) and how decisions are made
· Degree of reciprocal control or independence
· Treatment of in-laws and significant relatives
· Sex: how, when, why, by whom, varieties
· Money: earning, managing, saving and spending

With the objective of controlling, humiliating or winning over the other, all kinds of negative things are said, that are difficult to retrieve. The results are very sad, because repetition of the fight, which is inevitable when it is not resolved, will sour the relationship.

Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to connect and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this deep need for confrontation.

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is there it so essential to our self-esteem? Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other. That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave!

Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one…..Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.

Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about….how does it compare? No way!

Why can't we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn't taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so!

And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautiful person they want to spend their lives with us!

And then, very shortly, this admiration we managed to achieve goes missing, and sadly the only way to get our partner’s attention back on us is to have a good fight.

NOW, if we could only know how to do a positive conflicts fight!!!

The Importance of Recognition

This skill focuses on the ability to appreciate the positive aspects of everything around you: and if you are in a relationship, all that concerns your partner. Instead of having a perception of a glass half empty, you should instead focus on the "glass half full."

It takes sustained practice, because all of us have been educated with a critical view. If you are an engineer doing a project, this is a very critical skill, because keeps you apprised of what can go wrong and derail the project.

So, you are as good as you can be very critical, focusing on what needs improvement.

But with people in relationships, it is the other way around: as much as you focus on the negative aspects of your partner and try to begin the project of "improving him or her" the more the other person feels not accepted and evaluated in a negative manner.

You are in a relationship to support and enhance the positive aspects of your partner. In a sense, you have chosen each other because we all want and need someone else who can be for us "warts and all;" who can accept and appreciate all of our aspects. This kind of attitude is generally called love.

Remember that whatever you focus on, tends to take center stage: if you focus on a negative trait of your partner, like her tendency to be late for appointments and dates, then this trait will become prevalent and it will negate the perception of other positive traits that attracted you to her before. So, let's begin:

1. Every time you need to talk about some changes needed, begin recollecting the good things done;
2. Try to find a positive thing to comment on daily;
3. Don't you dare to mention negative aspects without talking about how good the positive ones are, first.
4. If the results are awful, praise the good intention;
5. Be very creative and find unexpected aspects to praise: a busy person that accomplishes everything could be praised for her constant smile, or his good disposition even along the busiest day;
6. Don't be mean, don't link praise with immediate critique: "you did well, but forgot this part." In this case, the "but" will cancel the praise. The two propositions don't need to be linked.

Apply this techniques for a while and you will see a change in the quality of your relationship, having more trust, and pleasure in the mutual company.

If you care to improve the way you feel in company, and wish to make
other people feel happy with you, this small effort in applying positive conflicts skills will be very productive.

Eager to learn more? Do you need encouragement, practical ideas, even coaching to apply those suggestions in your own life?
www.positiveconflicts.com