Every relationship will have its share of conflicts, disagreements and arguments – and that’s normal! What is essential is the right personal attitude towards managing the confrontations… we are either scared into answering with a strong attack as defense, or frozen in fear.
For some people, disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the elationship is flawed, or that we are more flawed than we thought before!
They are afraid of the noise, the raw feelings, the way it can end….nobody has shown us how to have a difficult conversation with someone offended or angry with us, in a caring and productive way! So, as we keep imagining happy endings by magic, we are left with the weak hope that “this time, because we are in love, everything will be all right.” This is waiting on magic, or on divine intervention… without learning some good conflict resolution skills to deal with disagreements with the person you need the most, you are in risk of a sad disappointment!
Overall, the biggest roadblock is not differences of opinion, but attitudes. Look at this big contrast:
PERSON A: sniffing some upset on the loved one, and not willing to receive complaints or critiques, hurries to be very busy, leaving in a cloud of dust. All requests about: “do you have a little time to talk” are answered in the way out with “sorry, hon, perhaps this week end, I gotta go now.”
PERSON B: equally realizing that there is storm in the air, because of door slamming and long, sudden silences, decides to confront, and asks: “I see that something is bothering you….when do you feel like talking, let me know. It can be just now or any time you prefer.”
Person B is showing that she or he is not blind, that the “we are disconnected” message is received and someone is taking charge of building bridges. This is the attitude that you need to navigate the differences in a relationship: “I promise that, even when I don’t always understand, I will be there to listen and try to make sense of what happens with my best effort. In this way, I show that I care about us, and our relationship.”
The secret here is to acknowledge that your attitude is a reflection of the worth you place on yourself and your partner. If you have been educated to dismiss your deeper needs, then you will deny the satisfaction of those needs in your partner. If you value the feeling of being understood and appreciated by your loved one, then this is the attitude you want to have…At the least, there is something you can do to prevent miscommunication and anger build up and destroy your connection!
Negative attitudes towards relationship problems are shaped by unresolved anger and resentment from the past.
When a caring attitude is combined with effective communication, the road to healthy conflict management is all downhill... facing conflict even becomes something to laugh about: “How are we going to manage the new fight?”
“What complaints can we come up with, each more sophisticated than the last, to conceal my daily need: I need you to appreciate me every day?”
Is this the way you want to go?
If you would you like to learn more about the positive conflicting attitude that can save your relationship and your sanity, visit http://www.positiveconflicts.com/ now. And learn more about strategies to heal your relationship from conflict!
For some people, disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the elationship is flawed, or that we are more flawed than we thought before!
They are afraid of the noise, the raw feelings, the way it can end….nobody has shown us how to have a difficult conversation with someone offended or angry with us, in a caring and productive way! So, as we keep imagining happy endings by magic, we are left with the weak hope that “this time, because we are in love, everything will be all right.” This is waiting on magic, or on divine intervention… without learning some good conflict resolution skills to deal with disagreements with the person you need the most, you are in risk of a sad disappointment!
Overall, the biggest roadblock is not differences of opinion, but attitudes. Look at this big contrast:
PERSON A: sniffing some upset on the loved one, and not willing to receive complaints or critiques, hurries to be very busy, leaving in a cloud of dust. All requests about: “do you have a little time to talk” are answered in the way out with “sorry, hon, perhaps this week end, I gotta go now.”
PERSON B: equally realizing that there is storm in the air, because of door slamming and long, sudden silences, decides to confront, and asks: “I see that something is bothering you….when do you feel like talking, let me know. It can be just now or any time you prefer.”
Person B is showing that she or he is not blind, that the “we are disconnected” message is received and someone is taking charge of building bridges. This is the attitude that you need to navigate the differences in a relationship: “I promise that, even when I don’t always understand, I will be there to listen and try to make sense of what happens with my best effort. In this way, I show that I care about us, and our relationship.”
The secret here is to acknowledge that your attitude is a reflection of the worth you place on yourself and your partner. If you have been educated to dismiss your deeper needs, then you will deny the satisfaction of those needs in your partner. If you value the feeling of being understood and appreciated by your loved one, then this is the attitude you want to have…At the least, there is something you can do to prevent miscommunication and anger build up and destroy your connection!
Negative attitudes towards relationship problems are shaped by unresolved anger and resentment from the past.
When a caring attitude is combined with effective communication, the road to healthy conflict management is all downhill... facing conflict even becomes something to laugh about: “How are we going to manage the new fight?”
“What complaints can we come up with, each more sophisticated than the last, to conceal my daily need: I need you to appreciate me every day?”
Is this the way you want to go?
If you would you like to learn more about the positive conflicting attitude that can save your relationship and your sanity, visit http://www.positiveconflicts.com/ now. And learn more about strategies to heal your relationship from conflict!
