You Need To Turn the Heat on when…

Life confronts you with situations like this: Your birthday is approaching and occasional, not so subtle hints to your fiancée about having your birthday dinner and party at the new French Restaurant in your town was all you thought it would take for him to “get it”! But, as the big day arrived you discover that he arranged for your birthday celebration to be with his friends at his favorite local sports bar, at a time in the evening which just happens to coincide with Monday night football. Now he thinks he has it all. He has his girlfriend, his friends, and football covered. What kind of feelings are you having looking at this picture? If his response is so far from the dinner party you were dreaming of, are you having a big shock? Are you now thinking if you really are the special person for him that you thought you were? When people feel upset, dissatisfied, ignored or simply sad, what we need to do is focus on: What happened that moved you so? Where is such behavior coming from? Do you shut up or do you try to change this situation? You can decide that you would like to confront, of course! But confronting has to be done in the proper way; otherwise you run the risk of escalating a difference. Plan ahead: to be able to confront effectively, you need to pinpoint precisely what is upsetting you; how such behavior is affecting you, and the negative consequences of such behavior on your plans, time, money, and energy, whatever. To confront effectively, use assertive tactics after planning what EXACTLY you are you going to say and do. It is better not to improvise in the heat of the argument! This tactic really works, to call the attention of your partner and make this person be attentive and respectful of your needs…..you need to try it now. It takes a little practice to be able to describe what happened in neutral terms, though, because it means controlling your negative feelings. Ready? Here you have a three-step process: Describe what the other person is doing, without blaming or reproaching: "When you did plan my birthday celebration in a sports bar with your friends, at the same time the game was on…" Explain the impact on you, how were you affected? "I felt sad, disappointed and let down in my wishes" Explain the impact of that event on the relationship: "Because it meant for me that we don’t know enough about each other’s expectations." Following this three-step method, you will be able to confront in a peaceful way, without having to deny yourself or your perceptions….Know how to escalate safely, and refuse to allow misunderstandings that are hurting you both. Clean your relationship from dark areas that are not only frustrating but also not conducive to good, positive interactions. And focus on creating a positive environment again: "How can we do things in a different way next time?" To find more, easy steps to improve your relationship Go to: http://www.positiveconflicts.com You can be reading a complete set of tips like this one, in just a few minutes. Have a great new life, with new conflict skills!