Individual Responsibility

I found this site very challenging as it goes against my current (should I say past) point of view. What it strike me, is the clear message of 'Take Responsibility' that it delivers.

Individual Responsibility: "I am thirty-five years old, but have only recently learned the lessons of Individual Responsibility. For most of my life, I've blamed others (family, employers, politicians) for my problems, and I've been very unhappy most of the time. But have finally come to accept that I am responsible for my life and my happiness, and that has resulted in a dramatic improvement in my self-confidence and sense of well-being.

Here is a summary of what I've accepted:

* I am responsible for my own emotions. Others may do bad things to me, and may even hurt me, but if I let it eat me up inside, the blame rests with me.
* I am responsible for my own economic security. TheyCanFireMe, but if I am not prepared for that, it is my fault for not planning ahead.
* I am responsible for my own career. If an employer is not providing me with the opportunities I want, or is mistreating me in some way, I can JustLeave. If nobody wants to hire me, it is up to me to make myself more hire-able, or to create a job for myself.
* If I don't like the way things are, it is my responsibility to seek out or accept leadership roles so that I can change things. I don't expect anyone else to accept my suggestions and implement them.

from The Self Improvement Pattern Wiki

The power and strength to transform your life are inside you, waiting for your command.

Preventing Negative Emotions from Blowing Up Your Relationships

Negative emotions should be left out as much as possible from your interactions, by denying or repressing them. (This is a short term strategy, but in the long term is preferable to manage those emotions in a different way).

Now, you can let them dissipate without hurt, by following the following Steps:
a) Stop escalation, and ask for time off, if you can’t control your rage.
See if you can identify not the anger, (you know already that you are furious) but the hurt feelings underneath…. Pain is the other side of the coin of anger. Say: 'I’m sorry, this issue affects me and I need time to cool off…'

b) Express how it hurts, with the emphasis on you.
I statements begin as: 'When you do this to me, I feel hurt because…'
Avoid blaming, and keep talking about the effects of that behavior on you….
Be concise: it hurts me because I lose sleep, or security or money if you do this behavior.

c) If the conversation escalates into angry words, you can de-escalate by talking about how much the relationship, your mutual project or whatever you have in common is suffering.

Why is it necessary to process emotions?
It is better than repressing, and allows them to dissipate, after fulfilling the purpose of alerting us about something to be changed. Acknowledging that an issue is irritant, toxic or abrasive in a matter of fact way, without blaming anybody, is the best ways of processing those emotions without letting them block our daily life.

NORA FEMENIA

This suggestions and techniques included in the path designed by the Relational Conflict Mastery Program offered by www.positiveconflicts.com

Ask for your FREE coaching session at www.norafemenia.com, It is specialy designed for for individuals experiencing high levels of inter-personal conflict, or also for individuals fearing incoming rounds of negotiations and deal making with angry opponents (from ex-spouses to other enemies.)

Too many conflicts in your life now?

Have you ever found yourself thinking something like this string of thoughts?:

“This person is yelling at me, like she is attacking me, so she must be against me, so she is my enemy. If this person is my enemy, then, by definition, she is incapable of change and improvement, and is undeserving of trust and respect, now and forever. I have to defend myself against this person, who will always be violent and aggressive towards me. And if she does this to me, she will do it to others. Let’s rally Others against her!”


Well, this is the basic Conflict Frame, where we destroy others in self-defense and end up lonely and feared. When relationships are challenging, and you feel alone battling against others, focus on regaining some control over emotional chaos. You have the power of reframing the way you position yourself in interpersonal disputes, so not to give in to this destructive Conflict frame, or “me against the world” attitude.
The first step that your Conflict Coach would invite you to do is to take a deep breath and suspend the usual thoughts about being “a victim attacked by others” (spouse, boss, world, etc). This is the usual story that we tell ourselves: how we are in the right and the others are unjust, aggressive, etc toward us. Try to position yourself in an intermediary position, and look at you, your behavior and attitudes in a neutral way, while reflecting on the other side from the same neutral view.

The steps taking charge of the situation are:

1. Avoid defining yourself as the only victim:
Both sides have a valid story to tell; all depends where from you see the picture. Both are victims and aggressors, in different ways.


Ask the basic question:
Why this conflict appears now in my life?
You will regain ownership of your side of the conflict, and understand why you are inside it. Is it because it helps to hide other problems you don’t want to see?
No fight is Armageddon, yet, so don’t give your personal squabble more importance than it has. It’s only a dispute, so lower its importance and don’t let it take over the rest of your life. With perspective, you can even laugh at watching yourself in this movie, doing the same things as in all other personal movies….. Has this kind of dispute happened before? Do you find yourself always dealing with people with the same characteristics? Why do you need to have it played all over again?


Best wishes,
Nora Femenia, Ph.D.
Conflict Coaching
http://www.norafemenia.com
Call (954) 568-3620 now to schedule your FREE 15-minute interview.
I look forward to hearing from you and finding out how Conflict Coaching can empower your life!

“HOLIDAY BLUES” avoidance plan

Feelinig lonely or isolated in this period of Thanksgiving?

Take these steps for a "Blues Free" celebration!


What is the most important element in your relationships with others this Holiday Season?
To be based on positive feelings of belonging and love, right?

Here we are again, looking at a new holiday season.It provides us with several opportunities to reevaluate where we are and who loves us…..and who doesn’t. Perhaps this year the holidays are helping you find ways to reconnect again, and bridge past conflicts!

This season is the time of the year where families come closer to celebrate, and also a period where we evaluate ourselves. Do you find too much grief in your situation? Have you had a big confrontation this year with a loved one? Perhaps you saw a good relationship fizzle and disappear because there was love, but also too much confrontation and you both never learned how to manage conflict and differences without inflicting permanent wounds?

If you carry on a baggage of past painful misunderstandings or love/hate relationships, the end of the year is also a period where you may feel stressed and depressed, and your heart filled with sadness and regret. Worst, you can be feeling alone and isolated from the people you love! Where is the acceptance and recognition that you, as everybody else, crave?

It is possible to change those feelings, by taking some positive actions to improve your present relationships. If you take positive action now to truly understand what those conflicts are about, you will be in a better position to take corrective actions, and bring those you truly love closer to you.

Even if not everything can be fixed now, some gestures of good will, done sincerely will give you peace of mind because you will have made honest attempts to improve the situation. Damaged relationships carry a lot of hurt and resentment and it may take some time for things to settle down, if there is a sustained effort at making things right again.


So put your plan A today in action, and have a better, purposefully tailored holiday season. End of the year blues can be avoided if you act now on purpose to improve your relationships.

Plan “A”

Forget the past confrontation, family is family. Do a “good will gesture” as sending flowers or a food present to the house of the person you miss more. Write a nice card, saying only something like: “appreciating your love, always”

Put time aside to be able to share and talk. Visit people and ask simply for a little time to talk. You can also offer to only focus on the positive aspects of the past history. Forget if you were right or not; DO NOT mention negative aspects of the past. Try to identify the positive aspects of the relationship, and say that you are grateful for those aspects.

Do a little reconciliation: offer an apology for your share of the problems; be grateful if the other side is willing to spend time with you. You could be so brave as to ask for his/her suggestions about improving the relationship in the future!

Whatever your feelings are, DO NOT give in to depression and disappear: be present in any way you can: flowers, card, phone call.

Plan “B”:

Not ready to face anyone yet?
Organize your holidays: have a clear idea of what you are going to do. If not sharing time with family, find friends, or go volunteer in a church or charity organization to help with holiday preparations.
You will find people there who will see and recognize you as a wonderful, generous person. Take that recognition, because that is what you need. Perhaps after the holidays, it helps you think a plan to restore relationships with the people you love for next year!


NEIL WARNER
www.positiveconflicts.com

The answers are within you, my friend.

What do you do when you have to take a decision?
I normally will delay until I have the feeling that is the right moment.
I know it is not a rational way to handle this things, but I seems to work for me.
For other circumstances a more methodological approach may be handy. And that is exactly what Gina Trapani describes in her article:Four ways to make a big decision. But take this approach with a grain of salt. If your subject is of the soul searching type, you may use this method to justify what your guts are telling you. When you take a decision, make it in your mind and in your heart.

Geek to Live: Four ways to make a big decision - Lifehacker

To your success,
Juan Pablo
You have the power to transform your conflicts, into positive energy

Gear up your Optimism

Our views are highly influenced by our own internal feelings.
By cultivating a positive view, we can make our life much better, and we will be more open to accept what life has to offer, talking much of the stress that is generated when we fight against adversity.
This does not mean we need to forget our dreams and needs. It means that evey event can be seen in a necessary step that will bring us closer to our goals.

INTERPRETING EXPERIENCE POSITIVELY:

(1) Selective Focus: Emphasizing the enjoyable, constructive, open aspects of life.

(2) Refraining from Complaining: Avoiding pointless complaining and whining about oneÂ’s difficulties. Taking the world as it is and not complaining that life isnÂ’t fair.

(3) Questioning Limits: A constructive skepticism that challenges the limiting beliefs held by ourselves, our associates, and our society. A fundamental creative openness to possibilities.

(4) Sense of Abundance: Feeling free to do what you want, rather than feeling compelled by circumstances or people. Recognizing the world to be full of opportunities. Being for things, not against things.

(5) Humor: Seeing oneÂ’s own shortcomings with a sense of humor. Allowing healthy, good-natured humor to reveal new perspectives and combat dogmatic thinking.

INFLUENCING OUTCOMES POSITIVELY:

(6) Rational: Using reason rather than being lead by fears and desires. Objectively assessing situations and taking action based on understanding reality apart from our wishes.

(7) Self-Improving: Optimists see the self as a process and seek continual improvement. Their drive to improve is not pushed by fear but pulled by a inspiring self-image.

(8) Experimental: Frequently trying fresh approaches, staying out of ruts, actively seeking more effective ways of achieving goals, and being willing to take calculated risks.

(9) Self-Confident: Believing that we can bring about good things. A fundamental conviction of competence in living.

(10) Self-Worth: Believing one is worthy of success and happiness. Without this, attempts to improve oneÂ’s life will lack motivation.

(11) Personal Responsibility: Taking charge and creating the conditions for success. Being aware of how we determine our chances of success. This crucially involves integrity: living according to one'’s values.

(12) Selecting Environment: Being attracted to positive people and situations. Seeking out those who will support and inspire, not discourage, distract, and undermine.

Source The Occupational Adventure (sm): Dynamic optimism

Juan Pablo Mattenet

You have the power to transform your conflicts, into positive energy

More food for the mind

The Stockdale Paradox

How do you keep your Optimism in the adversity?
This short text has a diamond at the very end.
And yes, I think that at the end we will prevail.

Enjoy

Juan Pablo Mattenet
Transform your Conflicts into positive energy!

Feeding your Brain bit by bit

Conflicts, are seldom related to how we feel about ourselves in relation to the others.
Comparing is then a good thing to do. Right?
Think, then read the rest:
DailyOM - Comparing Yourself To Others

Juan Pablo Mattenet
PositiveConflicts.com

Imprisoned by your thoughts?

“Problems exist only in the human mind.”

-- Anthony de Mello

For most of us, there's always a long 'to do' list.
That's a fact.

And it's easy to feel victimized. 'Poor me!'’
That'’s not a fact. That is a choice.

Experiment with your life to explore how much your mind is your jailer. Simply let go of the '‘oh woe'’ kinds of thoughts. Silence your mind. Be right here, right now. Decide what you will do now and do it, without buying in to the mind'’s sob story. When one task is done, you can then choose another.

Allowing the mind to agonize about the size of the '‘to do' list just makes us tired before we even get started. It doesn'’t have to be this way.

'“Don't water your weeds.'
Meet life's challenges in a whole new way

Don't take it personally (Sound Advice?)

One of the difficulties on handling conflicts is that we tend to take them personally. This short post has some advice on detaching the People from the actions.
Read more Sowing the Seeds of Glorious Living!:

Escalation of Interpersonal Conflict

Conflict is a part of most every interpersonal relationship.
Managing conflict, then, is important if the relationship is to be long-lasting and rewarding. Learning how to manage conflict involves being able to identify the steps in any escalating confrontation, and being able to stop the escalation and do emotional repair by reinforcing the positive aspects of the relationship."
More: Escalation of Interpersonal Conflict:

Conformity, Why is so attractive

Reading this interesting article about the Chimpanzees, I can't but speculate how much of this behaviour we mirror ourselves.
Kids are particularly vulnerable to the social pressure to conform to society rules and as adults wear some of these attitudes without even realizing that we are doing it.
Don't take me wrong, some degree of conformity is needed, but sometimes we approach our relations, more looking on how they will be seen from the outside, than what really is going on between us.

Quote of the Day

"Before you agree to do anything that might add even the smallest amount of stress to your life, ask yourself:
What is my truest intention?
Give yourself time to let a yes resound within you.
When it’s right, I guarantee that your entire body will feel it."
Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine, October 2002
Quotations Weblog

Creative Problem Solving

The InnovationMarketers blog has a great post that give the 7 steps to be more open to creative problem solving.

Read it and live by the steps

1. Visualize ultimate success
2. Be still and know that the answer is within you
3. Be patient
4. Create a positive environment
5. Take time away
6. Engage others in the creative process
7. Meditate
InnovationMarketers blog: Creative Problem Solving

Do you feel the Pain?

From INC:

It didn’t make any sense. Kevin Steele, co-owner of Karaoke Star, a Phoenix retailer of karaoke equipment, noticed that the number of people clicking on his paid search-engine ads had shot from 200 to 800 a day. But despite the apparent jump in traffic, sales hadn’t budged. Steele and his partner, Diana Frerick, had built their business on Internet advertising, and more clicks almost always meant more revenue—which the pair had invested in a new office, more inventory, and a call center to field technical questions.

Full text So Many Clicks, So Few Sales

BlogHer bits

While anger can be used as a tool, sometimes the person who’s angry is a tool.

Read More: the [non]billable hour: Blogher Brain Dump

Who are you, really?

Many times, when people ask me "Where are you from", and I can't give a straight answer, I realize that the way we define our identity have not evolved with the time.

Sherry has put an article on asking a the simple question of Who are you :
"When I ask people the question 'Who are you?' I'm usually greeted with silence. People are not sure; in fact, some have never even stopped to think about it.
Can u imagine living all your life without knowing who you really are?
Once people recover from the initial surprise of the question they respond with all kinds of definitions, most of which are based on their character or abilities."

Read moreisolated hideout

Positive Coaching Program

Why do we describe conflict as positive?

Learn the connection between change and growth and conflict!

You will never know what you can do without challenge and opposition.
You will never develop new skills if sheer necessity does not force us to do so.
In short, without conflict, YOU will never grow.

When you engage others in positive conflict, you are telling them that he/she is important enough for you to invest some energy in improving the relationship, by challenging the sore points in it.

FREE Subscription:Your Positive Coaching Program :

12 useful negotiating tips

Twelve Useful Negotiating Tips

By Tristan Loo

1. Avoid the YOU and “YOUR words at all costs when dealing with an angry person. "You did this." Or "“It was your fault"” is a direct attack on the person you are talking to and they're instinct will be to defend themselves or counterattack.

2. Speak very softly when your counterpart is yelling. This voice-leading technique will force them to lower their own voice to match yours. It will also force them to listen better in order to hear your words. Remember that the tone of your voice as an amazing power to either escalate or deescalate a confrontation.

3. Don't react to personal attacks, or try to defend them. This will only make you into a punching bag for additional attacks. Instead, acknowledge those attacks as an attack on the problem that you both share and work with your counterpart on trying to find a solution.

Read the other 9: 12 useful negotiating tips

Are your afraid of Conflict?

You have experienced your share of conflict in your life (—and who hasn't? )
You may even be afraid of conflict.

Perhaps you lost big time when you tried to impose your views on your spouse; or your best friendship ended in sour recriminations that nobody wanted, but nobody could stop.

What are the lessons?
What did you learn?
To go the other way, of course!
The reaction can be so extreme as to deny any conflict..
Learn this and Much more at: Your FREE Positive Coaching Program: (email subscription requested)